It was the 90s, and your church youth group had just made a web page on Angelfire to reach the lost. How many heathens would be reached? Well, how many people were on the internets? Hundreds? Thousands? Better tell this week’s parent volunteer to put out an extra 2-liter of Dr. Pepper at the refreshments table. And better make sure the wicker basket of complimentary WWJD bracelets and promise rings is flippin’ STOCKED, son.
Still don’t remember?
Easy, my babies, I’ll take you back.
Let’s set the mood. CCM? Something a little late-90s, perhaps?
But not too upbeat? Just the right amount of melancholy?
I got you:
Now just because you’ve forgotten doesn’t mean the internet has. Take my hand in a totally platonic way and let’s journey deep into the crumbling ruins of Angelfire, where websites in various states of decay give testament to the bangs, earth tones, sexual frustration, and baggy clothes of youth groups gone by:
If this youth group were any more lit, they’d have to call the
[puts stick of Fruit-A-Burst gum in mouth]
[winks at pretty girl, who doesn’t see]
[slinks off to rearrange Top 8 on Myspace]
[6 are Christian bands]
They named the youth group HARD KOR and what have you possibly done with your life that is as rad as HARD KOR? [via]
Okay, I see you, TEEN JESUS FREAKS. It’s not quite HARD KOR, but it’s still pretty rad. And that explosion? That’s sin being blasted out of the body, baby.
Okay, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Is that dude singing? Is that Carman punching demons? [via]
They put a pun IN THE CHURCH LOGO and if that’s not the most Baptist thing ever I do not know what is.
Kids today with their porn and their selfies and their snapchats, back in the 90s we played volleyball with girls in floor-length denim skirts and I was THANKFUL to do it and also I was homeschooled but still. [via]
Okay listen. It’s not that we don’t appreciate Brother Mark, but exactly how much more information about “bring an extra 2 liter soda” does this dude possess? Come on, Marky, it’s not like you’re holding the nuclear codes here, baby. [via]
Hey remember when no one knew who might have a good body because everyone wore three layers of clothes? And there was that mean old lady who made sure none of the missions trips or group activities took place near any beaches because mixed swimming was a sin, even if the girls wore the Shorts-Over-One-Piece combo? Ah, memories. [via]
Ladies, is that a Gideon’s pocket New Testament in his pocket or is he happy to see you?
[SPOILER ALERT: IT’S THE FIRST THING]
Pretty sure that’s Jen Hatmaker. [via]
I had forgotten about this dude. I met different versions of this guy in like 3 different youth groups. Always single, yet always flirting, yet always talking about how he was “concentrating on his walk with the Lord” but then you turn around and he’s surrounded by babes and he’s always dropping lines like “Praise God” and “Bless you, brother” even when it doesn’t really fit in the conversation and now he’s hugging two girls but it’s a double side hug so technically he’s in the clear but seriously, screw that dude. [via]
Hey, remember when everyone only dressed in denim, beige, and navy? Mmm, me too. [via]
Okay, this one is technically not a youth group page, but it is too amazing to ignore: a Christian hip hop group from 1995, and somehow their audio files are still functioning. Forget a DC Talk reunion; can we get STP back together?
And by the way, STP stands for “Stomping Toy Punks”
OR “Spirit Taught Peoples”
…and I quote: “depending on our mood.” [via]
come on guys
that’s not even a real angel
now is it
[Life goals] [via]
Worried about Y2K? Our youth group has got you covered, boo. [via]
1–are those tears? They can’t be raindrops because Jesus is above the clouds, right? Why is God crying?
2–why does the third drop decrease in size while the other two remain constant? Is it being blown toward Jesus, and if so, by what?
3–really a missed opportunity by not including the nail holes in Jesus’ hands. That’s not really a question, but whatever.
also, I will fight anyone who says “Love Liberty Disco” was a bad album.