Yes, I Have Been to Many Exciting Parties

Pin It

*****

Probably if there is one thing I am known for, it is heroically scoring 12 points against the theological degenerates of Gateway Christian, helping to end their reign of terror in the St. Louis Metro Christian Athletic Association, even though Mike Chavez only scored 1 point that night, probably because he was real distracted by the captain of our cheerleaders, Amber.  Mike said that he was going to stop dating girls during the season and focus on basketball, but he was so full of crap, he was totes crushing on Amber that whole year.  Mike and Amber are married now, but still.

But anyway, if there is another thing I am known for, it is partying.  Various haters love to say that I am “antisocial,” or “dangerously introverted,” but this is not true: when I was a teen, I went to literally several parties, and some of them even had girls.

Youth Group Board Game Party, 1997

Sometimes my parents wouldn’t let me go to youth group because they said the other kids were too worldly, but they still let me go to my job where my co-workers smoked and drank and talked about people’s butts and what not.  I don’t know; parents are weird.  Except for me, I’m a Cool Dad™.  Anyway, this was the legendary Calvary Temple Board Game Party, you probably read about it on the e-zine your youth pastor’s wife put out on Angelfire.  Check out all those babes–there’s one… okay, just one girl, but she was totally into me, probably.  I didn’t talk to her.  But she was checking out my WWJD bracelet as I angled my body away from her, for purity.

House Party in Dress Clothes, 1999

HELL YEAH WE GETTIN LIT IN THE BASEMENT.  You could cut the sexual tension with a WOW 1998 CD.  That’s probably why Rachel wrapped herself up in the blanket–for purity.

I don’t remember everything that happened at this party–it’s kind of a blur, to be honest.  At one point Andy left to go get some tacos, I think.  Was there a pool table?  I think there might have been a pool table.  We talked about driving out to roll someone’s yard, but we never did.  Do I have any more pics from that night?  Hang on.

Okay, here’s one:

LOL WE WILD BUBBA.

Harvest Festival, 1992

“Why is there blood on your costumes?”

That’s fire, you public school heathen.

“Why are your brothers wearing the same dress?”

We’re Shadrach, Meschach, and…you know what, forget it

Homeschool Creation Science Fair, 1991

The afterparty was so choice.  Solomon’s mom brought cupcakes and there were girls there and they were all like “tell me about your scale Noah’s Ark” and I was all like “hang on, let me put this participation ribbon away” and I could tell they wanted me so bad.

Christian School Party, 1998

thank you Dana (back row, right) for this pic

Oh hey, look who’s back–the gang is all here again.  This wasn’t the prom from Homeschool Sex Machine; this was a different banquet, but basically the same rules applied: no touching, no dancing, and GOOD HEAVENS look at Jesse’s face–I don’t know what my guy ingested/inhaled before arriving, but that dude is living his best life now.

Also, I can’t remember where the guys got their boutonnieres from.  No one took a date to this banquet, so did we stop and buy ourselves lapel flowers?  Did our moms buy them for us?  Did we buy them for each other?  Probably whatever the saddest option is…that is what we did.

Graduation Party, 1999

Yes, I need to order some cakes for a Christian graduation party

“So you want, like, the name of the Christian school on the cake?”

No, give me more churchiness

“What if we put little fish symbols on the cakes?”

CHURCH ME OUT, FAM

“What if we made the cakes into crosses?”

yes

“…and all the cakes were solid white?”

YAASSSSSS

Party in the Basement with My Siblings, 1995

Here is an entire post breaking down this picture.

You probably heard some crazy things about the homeschool raves the Pierce kids threw in the mid-90s.  You probably heard about all the Pixy Stix and how we would play CCM music hella loud and sometimes stay up to 9 or 9:30pm without permission.

I was going to invite Alissa Wilkinson to this particular party, but I decided not to–for purity.

*****

Enjoy this blog?  Check out my Patreon page to support it

Don’t enjoy this blog?  Check out my books on Amazon, which are even worse

*****