- tight pants
- Apple products
14) Think pieces
Oh hellzyeah, baby. Nothing says “spontaneous love for our Creator” like dissecting and regulating worship until we’ve pounded every possible emotion out of it and reduced it to the rote chanting of catechisms like a bunch of
Catholics Presbyterians Lutherans homeschoolers Big 10 football fans.
13) the Token Hymn
According to LifeWay research, by the year 2031, all of the old people will be dead and we won’t have to keep shoehorning that one hymn into the worship set list because we’re afraid they’re going to get mad and stop tithing.
12) Shannan Martin
Shannan isn’t a worship leader. I mean maybe she is, who knows. She’s my friend, sort of, but I don’t know much about her because I try to avoid actual relationships whenever possible. Anyway, Shannan is a person from the internet who wrote a book and she yells at me sometimes on Twitter when I make too many jokes about Song of Solomon and angels watching people take showers. I think maybe she was in Point of Grace.
11) the G
Hey remember in youth group when your older brother had that Jars of Clay cover band and they played the Soul Brew coffeehouse which was an annex of the church and they played “Love Song for a Savior” and that one girl started crying and like 17 people rededicated their lives to the Lord? I think that was the year that your brother had to be homeschooled for a semester because they found a Marilyn Manson CD in his locker at the Baptist school.
“Ok, yeah, that’s alarming,” I said, with no idea who Kurt Cobain was.
9) Matt Maher is Ted Danson
EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED
TWILA PARIS IS SHELLEY LONG
WAKE UP SHEEPLE
8) The Decorative Rug
It is actually against the law to have a worship service inside a Vineyard church without a decorative rug.
7) Going barefoot
Every time a worship leader takes his or her shoes off, the ghost of Rich Mullins appears in the sound booth and mumbles incoherently about Francis of Assisi before stealing a handful of the sound guy’s Hot Cheetos and disappearing back into the ether.
6) Kari Jobe
Little-known fact: each of Kari Jobe’s fashion accessories is a blood totem inscribed with the name of another worship leader she defeated in a street fight. Three different bracelets on her left wrist say “Darlene Zschech.”
5) that first Sonic Flood CD
If you are under the age of 25, it’s hard to explain how real this album was. The album was so good that it somehow overcame Jeff Deyo going full blowhard and interspersing clips of himself preaching a ding-dang sermon in between the tracks. (You never want to go full blowhard)
4) Worship leader cleavage
No matter how carefully worship leaders dress, it seems like there will always be rogue lady curves making people upset so anyway once again I go back to my idea for NUDE CHURCH and wait, let me explain it: it’s like regular church, except NUDE. A side benefit of Nude Church is that there won’t be many complaints about the worship team getting out of control and dancing on stage because I bet you’ll think twice about jumping up and down when your floppables aren’t strapped down and anyway probably the one drawback for Nude Church is you can’t have fancy wooden pews because everybody’s butt cheeks will stick to the pews and squeak when they stand up and we can’t have distractions like that at Nude Church.
There are music ministers in western Kentucky who are paid entirely in Chipotle gift cards. It’s not an ideal situation, but it could be worse.
2) when u accidentally spill coffee on the amp and it catches fire and the sprinklers come on but you finish the song like a pro and as the water drips down your face you gaze out at the congregation with smoldering eyes and give all the church ladies big ol’ mindboners
1) Trucker hats
There is nothing more rad than worship leaders wearing trucker hats, don’t @ me.
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