In the history of SEC football no team has ever lost a game due to play on the field. If your team loses, it is almost always because of outside forces: referees conspiring against you, the league office conspiring against you, the media’s meddling, the other team cheating, or—and this is the big one—God withdrawing his favor from your school, Old Testament-style.
The following is a list of sins committed by your school (or by a resident of your state, or by the state itself), along with suggested means of repentance. Once we have addressed these issues the SEC will finally be able to fill all four slots of the college football playoff, as it is written in Revelation.
Going by a strict interpretation of real estate law, you are 50% responsible for the country duo Florida Georgia Line, which is a band that used to be called Sister Hazel in the 90s.
Your state also gave us the band Creed, who were not as bad as everyone said, but they were responsible for this:
You are the home of Hee-Haw, which is one of the most evil TV shows ever produced.
Suggested act of repentance: call your local Christian music station and ask them if they can “take out the drums” from their music. Do this once a day for two months.
The oppression from your elected officials has not escaped the Lord’s sight, Georgia. Your County Commissioner and Sheriff routinely hassling a couple of good ol’ boys, when it is clearly and explicitly stated that the Dukes were NEVER MEANIN’ NO HARM?
Suggested act of repentance: Leave a 2,000-word Amazon review for The Prayer of Jabez, complete with Greek references.
Your state motto is THE SHOW-ME STATE, except there is nothing to do or see in Missouri. Your motto is a lie, Missouri. You have broken the 9th Commandment, and much like Israel wandering the desert, you are sentenced to the existential ether that is the SEC East, where finishing 5th is as good as finishing 1st, because you won’t win the SEC title game anyway, and what is even the point of life.
Suggested act of repentance: hosting Homeschool Spring Break is a solid start.
You are responsible for Ben Bogard, a Baptist preacher who engaged in at least 237 formal theology debates over the course of his life, and this is 214 more theology debates than any one Christian should ever have, and the Scripture is very clear on this.
Suggested act of repentance: place KJV Bibles in prominent places around your house. Hide all non-KJV Bibles. Scrub off your makeup. Go to Shoney’s for dinner at 4:00. Leave a $0.50 tip inside a Jack Chick tract.
Oooo boy, Gamecocks. You once had a US Congressman named John Jenrette who took bribes, stole a necktie, and married a Playboy model. Also, during a late-night recess, he allegedly met his Playboy wife behind a pillar on the Capitol Building steps and knew her in a Biblical sense. I guess you could make a case that that last thing wasn’t technically a sin if they were married, and you might even make the case that it was quite cool, but he was a pretty shady dude otherwise.
Suggested act of repentance: when Jesus returns, bravely tell Him that you must remain on earth to continue to fight against the War on Christmas.
There is no hope.
You are a strange team in a strange land, Aggies. Why is God displeased with you? Is it because Texas is a permanently hot wasteland of rattlesnakes and pickup trucks, marinating in the prosperity-laced hair gel runoff from megachurch pastors? Is it because you have a 12th Man and this is an unfair advantage?
No, Aggies. You have angered the Lord by your depth chart in Bill Walsh College Football ’95. Why is the best player in the entire game not even first string? Do you know how much harder this makes it to get him the ball? This bothered me to no end when I was 15, almost as much as my complete inability to talk to girls.
Suggested act of repentance: Go Christmas caroling, except instead of singing carols, sing the entire 1992 DC Talk album Free at Last. Sing it chronologically, one song per house. No encores.
Your state gave us Faye Copeland, whose husband employed a scheme of using drifters and bad checks to steal cows, after which he murdered the drifters, after which Faye collected the dead men’s clothes and used them to make a quilt. While none of this is technically illegal under Arkansas law, it is illegal under God’s law, and He is not pleased, Razorbacks.
Suggested act of repentance: rub a Twila Paris cassette over your body until you feel her bangs of holiness lift the curse on your football team.
[The Crimson Tide is God’s favorite team and it is His will that we win every game.]
Suggested act of repentance: humbly resolve not to take pride in our status as God’s Chosen.
Suggested act of repentance: create an entire roster in NCAA Football 14 using nothing but Twitter Christians and realistic skill ratings. When starting defensive tackle Jacob Goff scores a touchdown, you will know that God’s favor has returned to the plains.
You let The Yellow King run rampant in the bayou for far too long, Louisiana. Also the ending was a disappointment and Rust Cohle had the most unrealistic dialogue since Gilmore Girls, but those things aren’t your fault.
Suggested act of repentance: forcefully repudiate universalism in the comments section of a PewDiePie YouTube video
Your most celebrated literary figure refused to let his wife have air conditioning in their Oxford home. Mississippi is a sweltering hellscape of unbreathable humidity 10 months out of the year, and Faulkner’s cruelty angered the Lord. The day after Faulkner died his wife installed a window unit, but still.
Suggested act of repentance: homemade Ten Commandments monument in your front yard
Bulldogs, your state produced James Copeland, a legendary thief who would have stolen from himself if that were possible. His enduring sin, however, was burying $30,000 worth of gold in a swamp before he was hanged, because that money’s still just sitting there, and it hasn’t been tithed on or anything.
Suggested act of repentance: hand out only Testamints next Halloween.