Who Would Be the Worst Movie Jesus

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Owen Wilson

owen wilson

SCENE: JESUS IN GETHSEMANE

[Owen Wilson walks into clearing, sees disciples have fallen asleep]

OWEN WILSON: aw geez

[sits down on ground dejectedly, begins playing in dirt]

OWEN WILSON: [moping] I mean why do I even bother

DIRECTOR: [whispering] those aren’t his lines

OWEN WILSON: [pouting] I’m really struggling with this whole “Savior of the World” responsibility, and you guys are…I don’t know…[whispers] you’re just snoozing

DIRECTOR: okay, cut

OWEN WILSON: I mean I expect this from Peter, but…geez…not from the Sons of Thunder.  That hurts, you know.  [whispers] That hurts.

DIRECTOR: CUT

Steve Harvey

steve harvey

SCENE: JESUS APPEARS TO THOMAS

[disciples gather in their secret room to discuss Jesus’ resurrection]

THOMAS: Until I touch the holes in his hands, I’ll never believe–

[Steve Harvey kicks door open]

DIRECTOR: ok that’s not how that happened

STEVE HARVEY: [to Thomas] OH YOU GONNA NEED SOME PROOF HUH

[disciples murmur]

STEVE HARVEY: [struts into room]

STEVE HARVEY: [pauses 90 seconds for dramatic effect, eyes wide]

THOMAS: My Lord and my–

STEVE HARVEY: NAH, SAVE IT PLAYA

DIRECTOR: cut

STEVE HARVEY: I DONE TOLD Y’ALL THAT I WAS THE MESSIAH

DIRECTOR: cut

STEVE HARVEY: BUT NAAAAAAAH.  Y’ALL WAS TOO STUPID TO BELIEVE

DIRECTOR: CUT

Jimmy Fallon

jimmy fallon

SCENE: JESUS BROUGHT BEFORE PILATE

PILATE: Are you the King of–

JIMMY FALLON: [giggles]

PILATE: um…the King of the Jews?

JIMMY FALLON: [doubles over, slaps desk, fake laughs]

PILATE: [looks at director] what is happening right now

DIRECTOR: [shrugs]

PILATE: Are you the King of the Jews?

JIMMY FALLON: You’re so great, oh my gosh

PILATE:  Are–

JIMMY FALLON: This is perfect

PILATE: [opens mouth to speak]

JIMMY FALLON: I love it

JIMMY FALLON: [doubles over from fake laughter]

PILATE: Why are you pretending to laugh, you’re not even making any laughing sounds

DIRECTOR: CUT

Johnny Depp

johnny depp

SCENE: JESUS AND THE RICH YOUNG RULER

RICH YOUNG RULER: Teacher, what must I do to be saved?

JOHNNY DEPP: [lights cigarette, takes deep drag] Well now that’s the question isn’t it

DIRECTOR: where did he get a cigarette

JOHNNY DEPP: [indecipherable mumbling]

RICH YOUNG RULER: uh…okay…but Teacher, I have kept all the commandments since I was a boy

JOHNNY DEPP: [skin spontaneously secretes fashion accessories]

DIRECTOR: cut

JOHNNY DEPP: [pulls out acoustic guitar] here’s a little protest anthem I wrote on the set of Fear and Loathing about the West Memphis Three

DIRECTOR: CUT

Mark Wahlberg

mark wahlberg

SCENE: SERMON ON THE MOUNT

[multitudes crowd around, waiting to be taught]

MARK WAHLBERG: So what’s up

[awkward silence]

MARK WAHLBERG: [tears off sleeves of robe to expose his biceps]

MARK WAHLBERG: So we gonna kill some Philistines or what

DIRECTOR: give him a prompt

[production assistant holds up placard with his lines: “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth”]

MARK WAHLBERG: [ignores prompt] THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM

DIRECTOR: CUT

Kanye West

kanye

SCENE: JESUS WASHES THE DISCIPLES’ FEET

PETER: Lord, you shall never wash my feet!

KANYE WEST: Cut it off

[awkward silence]

PETER: what

KANYE WEST: cut his foot off, fam

[Peter looks at film crew, shrugs]

KANYE WEST: it’s better to enter into heaven with one foot than for your whole body to be thrown into hell; I SAID THAT, FAM.  I AM THE MESSIAH

DIRECTOR: cut

KANYE WEST: Roger, cut off Peter’s foot

PETER: there’s no disciple named “Roger”

KANYE WEST: WHO KILLED ROGER

DIRECTOR: CUT

Harrison Ford

ford 4

SCENE: PETER WALKS ON THE WATER

[Harrison Ford stands in a sound stage water tank, across from the disciples’ boat]

PETER: Lord, if it’s you, tell me and I will come out to meet you!

HARRISON FORD: [grumbling]

DIRECTOR: We didn’t get that, Harrison, run that back

HARRISON FORD: [grumbling]

PETER: [gets out of boat, flails in water] LORD, SAVE ME

HARRISON FORD: no

PETER: um….

HARRISON FORD: I didn’t tell you to get out of the damn boat. YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BOAT

DIRECTOR: Harrison that’s not what the script says

HARRISON FORD: well maybe he should pray for a big whale to come swallow him like Job

DIRECTOR: you mean Jonah

HARRISON FORD: I’M JESUS DON’T YOU EVER CORRECT THE SON OF GOD

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