Who Are You Allowed to Bang? A Christian Perspective

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Probably the thing that gets most Christians in trouble is forgetfulness.  Like, when a famous Christian accidentally sleeps with the wrong person because they forgot who they were allowed to sex.  I guess sometimes you learn too many genealogy verses and it pushes the other, more important verses out of your brain.

Anyway, since I am an Evangelical Thought Leader™, I decided to write a comprehensive guide to help Christians remember who they are allowed to bang.  It has lots of theology in it, plus robots:

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Everyone?

No, you are not allowed to bang everyone

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Wendy Peffercorn?

Well…okay….she’s not a real person.  So…

Are we talking about Marley Shelton, the actress?

Then no.

Did you pass through a portal and enter the movie The Sandlot?

Then maybe.

Are you inside The Sandlot and are you adult Squints Palledorous?

Then yes.

Stop reading this, close the drug store early, and make sweet, sweet love to Mrs. Wendy Peffercorn-Palledorous until you conceive another child–the clock is ticking, and the math is not on your side.  Let’s break it down:

The movie clearly states that the two of you had 9 children after your marriage.

She is roughly 6 years older than you; at the very earliest, you married her when you were 18–and most likely a few years later than that.  This puts Wendy anywhere between 24-28 at the beginning of the marriage.

Even assuming that you are Catholic and eschewing all forms of birth control, you are still looking at a very tight window to Duggar out 9 kids before Wendy’s oven stops preheating.

Best case scenario: you hit multiples and the twins or triplets give you some breathing room. But who knows with that kind of thing.

And why is it important to have 9 kids, just like the movie said?  Because if you don’t live out history the way it was written the first time, you are creating a ripple in the timeline and the butterfly effect could create chaos that breaches other timelines and engulfs all of linear history in eternal pestilence and misery.

I mean, maybe.

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Your Spouse?

Yes, this is your best option.

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A Random Woman Who Looks Like Your Wife?

Yes

wait, no.

See? It can be tricky.

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Yourself?

It depends:

Did you time travel (or pass through a portal) and you’re literally trying to bang a separate version of yourself?

Then no.

Is this about anointing yourself with oil and laying on hands?

Then maybe.

Are you doing that while thinking about banging other people’s spouses?

Then no.

Are you doing that while thinking about Newsboys songs?

Then yes.

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Zombies?

No.

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Michael W. Smith?

No, you are not allowed to bang Michael W. Smith.

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Machines?

It depends, because there are different kinds of machines: there are big machines, like the robots who pretend to be human and sometimes kill people, like in the movies.  Also, there are tiny machines, like when your sister-in-law with the nose ring came to the bridal shower and gave Esther that magic wand and the pastor’s wife got real embarrassed but that magic wand must have been pretty cool because on the box it said it could take you places you couldn’t normally go, so I guess like to Arkansas or something.

But anyway, is it okay to bang a robot?

No, because if you accidentally make babies they will be half-human, half-machine.

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Okay but what if the robot is super hot?

Dude, those lady blessings aren’t even real.

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