Which Christian Figures Would be Good at Kickball?

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Al Mohler

al mohler

I know what you’re thinking–that Al Mohler isn’t good at kickball.  You would be correct.

But listen, Al.  Real talk:  You look like you haven’t slept in decades.  Loosen up, big daddy.  Take a nap.  Me and Russell Moore will keep the train on the tracks while you’re gone.

James Dobson

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He’s going to show up in a thick headband, 1970s shorts that are waaaay too small, and knee-high socks that Pistol Pete Maravich gave him in 1987.  He will pitch, and even though the old bear can’t cover ground like he used to, he knows the kicking tendencies of every player, and he’s not rolling the ball until you get the infield shift lined up juuuust right, gosh darn it.

Matthew Vines

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There are many progressive believers who excel at kickball.  Matthew Vines is not one of them.

Lecrae

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I mean sure, he’s talented.  He’s got home run ability.  But by the 4th inning he’ll be jawing with Matt Walsh about the role of Black Lives Matter in the evangelical milieu, and sure, Matt Walsh isn’t going to win any Dove Awards for kindness, but now Lecrae’s walking off the field and come on, where is he going, who quits in the middle of the game, seriously now we’ve got to bring one of the Hillsong guys off the bench and those guys suck at kickball, and who uses phrases like “evangelical milieu” anyway?

Thanks a lot, Walsh.

Nadia Bolz-Weber

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She’s good, but not nearly as good as she imagines herself.  She will show up to the game festooned with custom goggles, knee pads, and athletic wear, then spend 20 minutes doing special stretches that she learned off a Russian YouTube video last night at 3am because she was so hyped up for this game that she couldn’t sleep. Easy, girl, we’re all under grace here.

Russell Moore

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You know that one Southern Baptist pastor who has no outlet for his competitiveness and it just builds and builds until the church softball season, and then he’s such an insufferable bulldog that he ruins it for everyone?  Russell knows that man.  Russell sees that man in the mirror.  Russell is taking steps to keep that man in check.  We’re just going to have fun this year, he whispers to himself as he takes his place at shortstop.  Why shortstop?  Should be the pitcher.  Stop it, Rusty, he tells himself.  Just do this for the fellowship.  But fellowship is more fun when you’re winning, and you know this, I know this, and Kickball Rusty knows this.

Jen Hatmaker

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She will make a big production about how goofy and uncoordinated she is, but do not laugh along.  This is meant to distract from how terrifyingly competitive she really is.  You won’t be laughing when she slides into second and spikes you to bust up a double play.  What’s that–you’ve never heard of someone playing kickball in cleats?  You’ve never played with The Hatmaker.

Justin Bieber

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Is Justin Bieber a Christian?  I think so?  I’m claiming him.  He’s probably not very good at kickball, and if he’s ever played before, there is a 100% chance his friends let him win.  All that to say, the first time Alan Noble beans him on the basepath he’s going to get super mad.  He’ll wipe out and then get to his feet, mean mugging and threatening to fight, and then Carl Lentz will have to walk Bieber out to the parking lot and give him a Capri Sun and talk to him until he calms down.  I don’t care; I still want Bieber on my team.

Jan Crouch’s Zombie Chicken

Well we know it’s going to be resilient.  I have real questions about the chicken’s skills though. Seems like it will be a liability in the field.

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