In 1995, when I was 14, my family moved to Missouri. My siblings and I were homeschooled, and the first few months in our new surroundings were rough because we didn’t know anyone. We had heard that public school kids sometimes went to underground parties called “raves,” and that sounded fun, and you know what? Our new home had a basement! We were in business! We set into motion a plan to have our very own raves, complete with invitations, balloons, and crepe paper decorations, because that is how public school kids got down, probably.
We had about 5 or 6 of these homeschool raves, always on Friday or Saturday nights, and attendance never exceeded 4: my three siblings and I. Never an outsider. Occasionally my parents would wander downstairs and take a picture, but we always shooed them away. In fact, my youngest brother would often stand at the top of the stairs, acting as a bouncer to keep out anyone who might have sneaked into our house and tried to gain entry without an invitation. (This was apparently a real danger) Then he would come down into the basement to engorge on Pixy Stix, because this was the only time that consumption of Pixy Stix was not closely controlled in our house.
A photo analysis:
Q: how can your adolescence even compare to this
A: it can’t
Ah, that classic feature of any good rave: a hand-drawn, magic marker sign letting you know where the SNAX are
I hope that my wife one day looks at me with half the desire that he is staring at that Pixy Stix with.
Are those Yahtzee score sheets and Reese’s cups? WE BOUT TO GET TURNT
When you get dressed up to go to the party and the only girl there is your sister and you try to drink the pain away but there’s no alcohol
AWWW HECK YEAH BABY SAM’S CHOICE GREEN LIGHTNING WE GONNA BE UP FOR HOURS
For those of us who lived through the Summer of ’94, one time is enough, thanks.
- HEY GIRL
- When you are already 6’3″ but weigh only 130lb
- When you keep wearing that Dolphins sweatshirt even though they won’t be good until (checks 2016 standings) at least 2017
- When you fill up your prayer journals with overwrought gibberish about how difficult it is to abstain from sex until marriage yet you have never even spoken to a girl
- When you are living the events of Homeschool Sex Machine but don’t even realize it
[FOOTNOTE: all four of the people pictured above are now married]
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