WHAT’S COOKING with Victoria Osteen

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Well hey there y’all! What a blessed and wonderful day to enjoy fellowship as I welcome you to my kitchen!  I feel certain that the warmness and fullness of our Father will rise up out these jars and pots and pans of clay like a heavenly yeast, baking in the oven of holy fellowship, until it is mature and complete and not lacking in anything!

Today we will be baking coconut macaroons–a personal favorite of Joel and I!

cookiesvia

(examines cookie ingredients, begins tossing them into trash can)

Now I know what y’all are thinking–

(preheats oven to 700°)

–that I need to pay close attention to little things like “directions”…

(empties bag of strawberry marshmallows into pan)

…but that’s not what makes me HAPPY, y’all!

(opens can of bargain brand chili, pours in pan)

I believe in coming into the kitchen and doing what makes me happy!

(adds olives, pimento, and grape Jolly Ranchers)

And Y’ALL….

(shoves pan into oven, slams door)

ISN’T THAT WHAT GOD WANTS?

(checks oven; pulls out pan)

slop

MegaFest 2013 - Day 2

IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND WE’RE GONNA FEED THE WHOLE WORLD WITH IT

(door opens)

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FACEBOOK CHRISTIANS: YOU ARE THE WORST THING EVER

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I am?

FACEBOOK CHRISTIANS: YES.

I’m worse than war?

FACEBOOK CHRISTIANS: YES.

I’m worse than Ebola?

FACEBOOK CHRISTIANS: YES.

I’m worse than Kanye West?

FACEBOOK CHRISTIANS: NO, BUT IT’S CLOSE.

Well now….y’all sure do look hungry.  Who wants some free food?

(hands out spoons, each person who tastes the dish instantly dies)

(door opens)

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KATE GOSSELIN: I smelled a camera crew.

(Gosselin steps over the piles of bodies and takes a spoon.  Despite Osteen’s warnings, she takes a bite from the pan)

KATE GOSSELIN: Needs salt.

(Gosselin hears the click of an iPhone camera in the distance.  She sets the spoon on the counter and hurries off toward the sound)

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Well y’all that’s all the time we have for today.  I am SO. PROUD. OF. EVERY. ONE. OF. YOU.  You are the flowers in the garden of my heart, and you make me very, very happy.

(single tear rolls down her cheek)

And don’t forget–the joy of the Lord is our strength, and Ephesians tells us to be imitators of God, so until next time, let’s be joyful and be our own strength!

(Facebook explodes)

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