JAMES DOBSON: Good evening America. I’m James Dobson and I’ll be your moderator for tonight’s nationally televised debate. At stake: the Presidency of Christianity.
JAMES DOBSON: [eyes the crowd of candidates onstage] As you know, the President of Christianity is an unpaid position…
[Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, and Jan Crouch exit the stage]
JAMES DOBSON: Well then. Also, you will notice that we don’t have any progressive candidates here tonight; we invited many of our liberal brethren, but progressive Christians have to wait to see what the rest of us do so they can do the opposite.
MARK DRISCOLL: SICK BURN, BRAH
JAMES DOBSON: [glares, yearns for the 80s] Okay, Mark, why don’t we begin with you: why should the American Church trust you to be its President?
MARK DRISCOLL: Well, you know… [drops to floor, does 20 pushups]
JAMES DOBSON: Moving along. Jon Acuff, what theological credentials do you bring to the table?
JON ACUFF: You’re neat.
[30 seconds pass]
JAMES DOBSON: Son, do you have anything else to say?
JON ACUFF: [smiles]
JAMES DOBSON: [turns to next candidate] Russell Moore. The Mance Rayder of the Baptist hordes. You have your hands full keeping your own denomination in line; are we to believe you can manage other denominations as well?
RUSSELL MOORE: [repeatedly spite-texts pictures of Systematic Theology to Perry Noble] Well, James, I resent that implication and I’d like to–
JAMES DOBSON: No.
RUSSELL MOORE: [discreetly puts in earbuds, pulls up Merle Haggard playlist]
JAMES DOBSON: Our next candidate is… [looks at note card]… oh no.
JOHN MACARTHUR: My friends, these charismatic saboteurs will not rest until they have destroyed the entire church. I have heard their horrific praise anthems–no doubt patterned after ancient demonic rhythms, with intent to resurrect Aimee Semple McPherson so that she can continue her campaign of false signs and wonders–
JAMES DOBSON: John…do you… I don’t know… have any hobbies?
JOHN MACARTHUR: LONNIE FRISBEE LIVES AND WALKS AMONG US
JAMES DOBSON: Joel Osteen, your TV buddies left; why are you still here?
JOEL OSTEEN: Glory, James, I’m just blessed to be here in the radiant energy that flows forth from–
VICTORIA OSTEEN: [leans into camera shot] YEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOW WE GONNA CHURCH IT UP IN HERE I CAN’T FEEL MY FANGERS GLORY GLORY GLORY
JAMES DOBSON: [buries head in hands]
JOHN MACARTHUR: My brothers, I have it on good authority that these continuationists have developed some sort of weapon they call STARKILLER BASE, which will no doubt be used to impart their heresy directly into other churches!
JAMES DOBSON: John, you speak of Star Wars, which is a movie.
JOHN MACARTHUR: [frantically underlines passages in ESV]
[deafening roar of a motorcycle engine; crowd gasps]
[a Harley crashes through a side wall; its rider dismounts and strolls across the stage to an empty podium]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [shaking sheet rock dust from hair] Lookit this buncha white folks! Galldang I saw more Democrats at Chuck Colson’s bachelor party!
JOHN MACARTHUR: [starts to say something to Graham]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [holds up finger] back it up, Mr. Magoo…
JOHN MACARTHUR: [slinks away in silence]
JAMES DOBSON: Franklin, are you actually on the ballot–
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Hold up, Jimbo, Imma introduce my running mate…
JAMES DOBSON: But we don’t have vice presidents–
[entire Hillsong United band takes stage, plays Tom Petty’s Won’t Back Down]
[Rich Mullins hologram plays hammered dulcimer]
[figure is lowered down to the stage from rafters]
MARTIN LUTHER: Hallo
[in audience, Matt Chandler and David Platt faint]
JAMES DOBSON: [voice trembling] How…how is this…possible?
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: WE CLONED THE KRAUT
MARTIN LUTHER: [pulls out iPhone, syncs it to projector screen]
[opens Twitter, types tweet]
[audience goes wild]
JOEL OSTEEN: Blessings!
[raucous standing ovation]
RUSSELL MOORE: Huzzah!
[in audience, Beth Moore drafts 5,000-page devotional, Lessons From My Time with Martin]