[Dubstep remixed theme song]
I’ll walk with you
Till the sun don’t even
[a young woman sits on a park bench, angrily tapping her cell phone. A MILLENNIAL]
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
[cheesy soft glowing backlight]
[a figure appears]
ANGEL JUSTIN BIEBER: Don’t fret, boo
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: Okay, no, I don’t even
ANGEL JUSTIN BIEBER: Girl, God’s…like…into you
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: I just can’t right now
[a second figure appears]
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: [to Millennial Woman] LADY I AIN’T UNDERSTOOD A DAMN THING YOU SAID YET
ANGEL JUSTIN BIEBER: It’s like this, girl:
[EDM remix of “God’s Not Dead” plays]
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: AW LAWD HERE WE GO
[Angel Justin Bieber begins to dance and sing]
God’s not dead
He’s surely alive
Girl I’ll Tomlin
just say when
Girl I’ll Daigle
fit and able
Hillsong it, set sail
Oceans, trick, these feet won’t fail
[Angel Justin Bieber’s shirt explodes, pieces turn into doves, fly away]
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: I can’t even
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: [to Bieber] OH YOU THINK YOU THE ONLY ONE WITH ANGEL NIPS, HUH PLAYA
[shirt explodes, pieces turn into geese, geese flutter to ground and waddle away]
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: [to Bieber] THIS IS A HEAVENLY BODY, SON
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: [looks for Uber ride on phone]
[car pulls up]
MILLENNIAL WOMAN: [to angels] I mean, I just…
[gets into car]
[car immediately plunges off cliff]
[a third figure appears]
ANGEL KATE UPTON: That looks bad.
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: [to Upton] I HOPE YOU AIN’T THAT LADY’S GUARDIAN ANGEL, YOU ‘BOUT TO BE DEMOTED TO OSTEEN DUTY
ANGEL KATE UPTON: I’m the Angel of Death.
ANGEL STEVE HARVEY: [stares at wreckage below, chuckles] THEN YOU RIGHT ON TIME, GIRL
[Hobby Lobby commercial]
[local commercial for non-denominational mega church with pastor wearing blue jeans and doing that thing with his hands where the fingertips touch]
[youth pastor turns off TV; lights come on in edgy youth ministry annex]
YOUTH PASTOR: Okay guys what did we learn from that clip?
YOUTH PASTOR: What can we apply to our own walk with Christ?
YOUTH PASTOR: [hurriedly untucks shirt] WE GONNA ENGAGE THE CULTURE THIS WEEK?
HOMESCHOOL KID IN FRONT ROW: Yes.
[2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper without a cap on the refreshments table in the back slowly goes flat]
[somewhere in West Texas, a Methodist finishes his meal and leaves a THIS WAS YOUR LIFE tract instead of a tip]