For junkies of Christian culture there is no greater high than a quirky CCM video. We scour the interwebs for them, trading the links back and forth like Pogs and whoa I just made a Pogs reference, no one under the age of 30 will know what those are.
[90s youth pastor voice] Young people when God the Father sent Jesus to earth, JESUS WAS THE SLAMMER, AMEN. And when this generation gets scattered, you better land face-up. You don’t wanna land face-down or you’ll just be put back in the stack, amen?
[goes to “See You at the Pole,” cries the entire time]
[sees cute girl there]
[prepares to talk to her]
[eats entire package of Testamints]
[asks her to youth group’s Jam 4 Jesus Friday Mixer]
“No thanks, I’m dating Jesus right now.”
[sick; pukes Testamints into bushes as everyone walks to class]
Whoa, sorry. Had a little flashback there. Anyway, it’d be too easy to just make a list with Jesus is My Friend or The Renewed Mind is the Key or even Looking For a City. Those videos have been passed around and ridiculed enough.
Besides, that’s not really the tone I’m going for. I come not mock the quirky; I come to celebrate it.
LET’S DO THIS:
Newsboys – One Heart
It’s the age-old formula for CCM success: a group of Australians dressed almost completely in denim performing on an Oklahoma street in 1990.
Listen: I ain’t mad at this video, not one little bit. The really underrated part is that the guys dancing are the actual band members. Not backup dancers. Bravo.
Can I get a 90s denim roll call?
WHO IS THAT SEXY BOY
Audio Adrenaline –
AKA Public School
Quite simply, this is the greatest basketball game that has ever been played.
- Dunking from the 3-point line? Check.
- An entire game without a single substitution? Check.
- Drinking beer on the court? Check.
- 40-year-old high school players? Check.
- DC Talk cameo? Check.
- Unnecessary 3-point shot to win the game when a 2 would have sufficed? Check.
Crusadir – God Will Take ‘Em Back
Okay, so we’re bending the rules juuuust a bit with this one. This is an obscure song. And the video is actually a fan-made video. Now, you might be asking yourself, what happened to the original vide–GOD TOOK IT BACK.
Well, WAS the booty worth it?
Chrisagis Brothers –
The Richest Man on Earth
Once upon a time, I reached out to the Chrisagii to interview them for a piece similar to this. They sent back a very polite email that said, essentially, “no.” So here we are, adrift in a sea of Chrisagis mystery, our unanswered questions floating into the abyss of powerbrows and powerjackets.
What is real?
Is the Chrisagis a singular entity? Is each music video a wormhole through which the dual Chrisagis projections interact?
Also, they *might* not really be playing those instruments.
Carman – Resurrection Rap
The restraint that it required for me to only include one Carman video amounts to my personal version of Jesus being tempted in the desert.
Here is my Carman defense, in a nutshell: The man had fun. He did more, risked more, and achieved more than other artists who had more talent. There will never be anyone like him.
And this video? This is four minutes of him extending both middle fingers to the moralistic hysteria of 1980s Christian culture. Rap? Minority kids dancing? Jesus as a gang member? Violence? At the line
the Son of God don’t pop no jive
He said ‘alive,’ He means that He’s alive
you can almost hear church ladies fanning themselves while Jerry Falwell harrumphs and drafts a boycott letter.
Danielson Family –
Did I Step on Your Trumpet?
It’s easy to blow this video off as a sort of weird attempt at humor, but this is a reasonable approximation of how the Danielson Family actually performs. For all the derivative bands that Tooth & Nail served up to 90s youth groups, the label had something truly unique and esoteric in the Danielson Family. They exuded a bizarre stage presence that was by turns homeschool family band, folk antihero spectacle, and performance art cult. They were never going to be CCM radio darlings, but they were interesting, and they were authentic.
Michael P. Vigilante III – Happy Birthday
Friend of the website Michael Vigilante is a good man and I will not suffer an ill word spoken of him on these premises.
Sing us out of this blog post, MPVIII.
(Stick through this video until the end.)
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Someone has stolen seven Gospel Awards, setting into motion an adventure across Christian culture to intercept a team of homeschool assassins, punch televangelist-eating sharks in the face, evangelize an island of nudists, and defend a nativity scene from an army of atheists.