The Shack

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The Shack is a new faith-based movie which stars a bunch of vaguely familiar actors and is about various things.  It is based on a book, which is also about various, similar things.  The Shack is very good, and also very theologically sound, or maybe it’s heresy, I have no idea, I don’t read that stuff.  The point is: Christians on Twitter are yelling about it again, and I want to feel important, so I’m going to yell about it too.

From what I can tell, the premise of the movie is that a dude lost his daughter.  Also, there is a shack.  Is she in the shack? SPOILER ALERT: I don’t know.

Also: God.  God is in the shack.  But I guess they messed up the God part, because that’s what everyone on the internet is yelling about, and the internet is never wrong.  I’m from the 90s, and the closest thing we had to The Shack was Touched By an Angel, and God never appeared on that show, but Bill Cosby did.  It was weird.   But I guess some old people are mad because they grew up watching that Moses movie and they liked seeing God as a burning bush, but you can’t put a burning bush in the shack because that whole thing would blaze up; it’s basically a tinder box.

Also, the Holy Spirit is in the shack, which is problematic, obvs.  I personally don’t have anything against the Holy Spirit, but if God wanted to relate with me in a personal way, I’m pretty sure He would speak through think pieces.  Maybe there is no wi-fi at the shack and the dude who lost his daughter can’t download any think pieces.

Also: women.  Apparently some of the Trinity are portrayed by women, and this a problem, because cleavage or something, who knows, I don’t care enough to investigate further.  And because this is 2017, everything is offensive, and if you don’t like The Shack you’re a sexist, which turns out is NOT someone who has a lot of sex, even though that’s what the word looks like, but anyway.

So what is The Shack actually about? 

I mean, until I hear differently, I assume it is one of those God’s Not Dead movies.  There’s probably a scene with some bad atheists who are all like, WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW and then the dude is like HE’S RIGHT IN HERE, and he kicks open the door to the shack and you see this:

…and then Kirk Cameron is like HEY ATHEISTS, WELCOME TO THE PARTY and he picks up a Subway sandwich to throw at them, but then there’s a record scratch sound and you realize that IT’S CHICK-FIL-A WRAPPED UP IN SUBWAY WRAPPERS and this makes the atheists mad, because Chick-fil-A is where Baptists eat.  Then all the atheists run into the shack to attack Kirk Cameron but once they get inside they see a pile of anti-Russell Moore SBC money and Sho Baraka is sitting on top of it and he’s like MAYBE I’M JUST THINKING WITH MY PENIS, BUT LET’S CHANGE THE NARRATIVE

And then you see Ann Voskamp and she’s outside the shack watering this giant CGI garden, and it’s just huge, like it goes on and on for miles, because symbolism, and she looks at the camera and whispers, THE SHACK IS YOU.  And then the movie ends and there’s a Third Day song and after the credits there’s a message that says you can take your ticket stub to Hobby Lobby for a 30% discount.

So anyway, whether The Shack is any good doesn’t matter: what matters is looking holy on social media.  If most of your friends think the movie is blasphemous, butt in with a WELL ACTUALLY and say it’s great.  And if your friends like the movie, Piper up and go charging into their Facebook feed until it’s 2am and you’re arguing with people you’ve never met.

Just remember: if God had wanted Christians to think for themselves, He would have said so, probably in some type of blog post.