[formal banquet hall]
[James Dobson and John Piper share the stage; a who’s who of Christian culture is gathered in the audience]
JAMES DOBSON: [at the podium] Hello and welcome. I will be your [squints at notes] ROAST-MASTER for tonight. And…I suppose it will fun…and light-hearted…and various other things.
[one person claps in the back]
JAMES DOBSON: Let me introduce the subject of tonight’s roast: the man who Calvinists ask if oral sex is okay, John Piper.
JOEL OSTEEN: [in front row, shouting at Piper] WE LOVE YOU DON
JOHN PIPER: Do I deserve a roast? Do any of us deserve a roast? What do we deserve? We deserve nothin–
JAMES DOBSON: [interrupting] Let’s go to our first roaster
JOHN MACARTHUR: [takes podium with 40 pages of notes] MY FRIENDS I CAN FIND NO BIBLICAL MANDATE FOR THIS GATHERING
JOHN MACARTHUR: BROTHERS WE MUST NOT TRADE SOUND EXPOSITION FOR THE FOOL’S GOLD OF FELLOWSHIP
JAMES DOBSON: John do you have any jokes
JOHN MACARTHUR: HUMOR IS A FALSE GOD OF THE REPROBATE
JAMES DOBSON: John, that’s ridiculous. What would Jesus do?
JOHN MACARTHUR: TO EVEN ENTERTAIN THAT QUESTION IS TO AFFIRM EXTRABIBLICAL REVELATION
JAMES DOBSON: John
JOHN MACARTHUR: A PORTAL TO DAMNATION HAS BEEN OPENED ON THIS STAGE AND MUCH LIKE PONTIUS PILATE I SYMBOLICALLY WASH MY HANDS OF THIS HERESY
[takes out travel-sized container of hand sanitizer]
[squeezes single drop out onto palm]
[vigorously rubs hands together for several minutes]
[walks off stage]
JAMES DOBSON: okay, thank you for that, John. Next up: uh…[reads off cue card] Natalie Boltz Webber!
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: [takes podium] oh wow. Oh wow this is great.
[several seconds pass]
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: do you want me to swear? ‘Cause I can totally do that. Watch this, I’m about to swear
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: buttcracks
[Joel Osteen laughs, HARD]
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: I have tattoos. Do you see my tattoos? I know, right!
JAMES DOBSON: Okay, Natalie, thank you for that. [ushers her off stage] Our next roaster is Chris Tomlin
CHRIS TOMLIN: [takes podium with acoustic guitar] Just gonna play a little something I wrote on the back of a Chick-fil-A napkin while I was waiting my turn
[strums a G chord]
[crowd erupts into raucous cheers]
CHRIS TOMLIN: [singing]
your love is the capo
that changed the key of my life
place your capo of grace
on the strings of my heart
[men wave handfuls of dollars in the air]
[a beam of light envelops Tomlin, who floats up through the ceiling and vanishes]
JAMES DOBSON: Well wasn’t that festive. Our final roaster is–
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [power walks onto stage, pushes Dobson aside, grabs mic] GALLDANG LOOK AT THIS BUNCHA SQUARES
[Mark Driscoll takes offense, stands up]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: SIDDOWN
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Dang they just let EVERYONE in here, ain’t that right Rob Bell
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [turns to Piper] Howya doing Johnny
JOHN PIPER: I am cautiously grateful
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I read your last book, Johnny–last time I made a mistake that big it came from Iran
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [scans audience] Seeing lots of folks in here from The Gospel Coalition. Lemme tell y’all something: I didn’t like you guys the first time, back when you were called “Promise Keepers”
[D. A. Carson faints]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Hearing about all these creepy clowns in South Carolina trying to lure people with candy–Perry Noble doing outreach again?
[someone cuts the mic]
[Graham pulls a second mic out of his pocket and continues]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Now lemme say something about Trump and Clinton–
[angels appear on stage, high five Graham]
Check out my new ebook on Amazon