The Roast of John Piper

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[Nashville]

[formal banquet hall]

[James Dobson and John Piper share the stage; a who’s who of Christian culture is gathered in the audience]

dobson

JAMES DOBSON: [at the podium] Hello and welcome.  I will be your [squints at notes] ROAST-MASTER for tonight.  And…I suppose it will fun…and light-hearted…and various other things.

[one person claps in the back]

JAMES DOBSON: Let me introduce the subject of tonight’s roast: the man who Calvinists ask if oral sex is okay, John Piper.

[scattered applause]

osteen

JOEL OSTEEN: [in front row, shouting at Piper] WE LOVE YOU DON

worried piper

JOHN PIPER: Do I deserve a roast?  Do any of us deserve a roast?  What do we deserve?  We deserve nothin–

JAMES DOBSON: [interrupting] Let’s go to our first roaster

john macarthur

JOHN MACARTHUR: [takes podium with 40 pages of notes] MY FRIENDS I CAN FIND NO BIBLICAL MANDATE FOR THIS GATHERING

[crowd murmurs]

JOHN MACARTHUR: BROTHERS WE MUST NOT TRADE SOUND EXPOSITION FOR THE FOOL’S GOLD OF FELLOWSHIP

JAMES DOBSON: John do you have any jokes

JOHN MACARTHUR: HUMOR IS A FALSE GOD OF THE REPROBATE

JAMES DOBSON: John, that’s ridiculous.  What would Jesus do?

JOHN MACARTHUR: TO EVEN ENTERTAIN THAT QUESTION IS TO AFFIRM EXTRABIBLICAL REVELATION

JAMES DOBSON: John

JOHN MACARTHUR: A PORTAL TO DAMNATION HAS BEEN OPENED ON THIS STAGE AND MUCH LIKE PONTIUS PILATE I SYMBOLICALLY WASH MY HANDS OF THIS HERESY

[takes out travel-sized container of hand sanitizer]

[squeezes single drop out onto palm]

[vigorously rubs hands together for several minutes]

[walks off stage]

JAMES DOBSON: okay, thank you for that, John.  Next up: uh…[reads off cue card] Natalie Boltz Webber!

[scattered applause]

nadia-bolz-weber

NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: [takes podium] oh wow.  Oh wow this is great.

[several seconds pass]

NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: do you want me to swear?  ‘Cause I can totally do that.  Watch this, I’m about to swear

[silence]

NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: buttcracks

[Joel Osteen laughs, HARD]

NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: I have tattoos.  Do you see my tattoos?  I know, right!

JAMES DOBSON: Okay, Natalie, thank you for that.  [ushers her off stage] Our next roaster is Chris Tomlin

chris tomlin

CHRIS TOMLIN: [takes podium with acoustic guitar] Just gonna play a little something I wrote on the back of a Chick-fil-A napkin while I was waiting my turn

[strums a G chord]

[crowd erupts into raucous cheers]

CHRIS TOMLIN: [singing]

your love is the capo
that changed the key of my life
place your capo of grace
on the strings of my heart

[women scream]

[men wave handfuls of dollars in the air]

[a beam of light envelops Tomlin, who floats up through the ceiling and vanishes]

JAMES DOBSON: Well wasn’t that festive.  Our final roaster is–

graham

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [power walks onto stage, pushes Dobson aside, grabs mic] GALLDANG LOOK AT THIS BUNCHA SQUARES

[Mark Driscoll takes offense, stands up]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: SIDDOWN

[Driscoll sits]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Dang they just let EVERYONE in here, ain’t that right Rob Bell

[crowd gasps]

[Graham cackles]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [turns to Piper] Howya doing Johnny

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JOHN PIPER: I am cautiously grateful

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I read your last book, Johnny–last time I made a mistake that big it came from Iran

[crowd boos]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [scans audience] Seeing lots of folks in here from The Gospel Coalition.  Lemme tell y’all something: I didn’t like you guys the first time, back when you were called “Promise Keepers”

[D. A. Carson faints]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Hearing about all these creepy clowns in South Carolina trying to lure people with candy–Perry Noble doing outreach again?

[someone cuts the mic]

[Graham pulls a second mic out of his pocket and continues]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Now lemme say something about Trump and Clinton–

[trumpet sounds]

[Jesus returns]

[angels appear on stage, high five Graham]

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