The People You Meet at Christian High School

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1) The Last Resort

Some kids go to a Christian high school because their parents want them to have a Christian education.  Other kids go to a Christian high school because their parents don’t like the public schools for one reason or another.  And there is this guy: he goes to your Christian high school because there is nowhere else that will take him.

He got kicked out of public school for fighting.

Then he got kicked out of some ominous-sounding alternative school because he got into a shouting match with the teacher and they had to call the cops.

Then he was homeschooled for a while.  That didn’t go well: rumor has it, he set the neighbor’s cat on fire and then threw it in a lake to put it out.  Or, according to a different version, it was his younger brother that got set on fire.  Either way, it’s not good.

He keeps fireworks in the trunk of his car.

He listens to obscure white rappers no one has ever heard of.

He’s 17 and he might have a child who is 9.

And now he has the locker next to yours, because over the summer his parents showed up at your school’s office and his mom held a wad of tissues in her hand and cried for 45 minutes and his dad wrote a check that made your principal say “you know what? We believe in second chances.”

2) The Student Government Zealot

It’s not simply that she loves student government; what makes her so goofy is that she really, truly believes that student government is important.  Like, she thinks that if she’s elected Student Body President she’ll be invited to board meetings in a dimly lit conference room full of cigar smoke and she’ll get to filibuster some vital piece of legislation while all the old bald guys rub their chins and chortle at each other.

And you try to talk to her: Ease up, bae.  There are 10 people in our graduating class.  We meet in the basement of a Baptist church.  Our baseball team has 5 guys on it who don’t even go to school here, and how is that not against the rules, but anyway, Student Government is just something to put on a college application–you’re not really in charge of anything.

But she just gets this glassy-eyed look and gives you a Friend Pat on the shoulder and says she’ll be happy to take your concerns to the faculty.

Oh well.  She’ll figure it out someday.

3) Facial Hair Boy

I mean how is this guy not 30.  For the entire first week of school you legit thought he was a teacher.  Apparently he entered and exited puberty all while in middle school, because this dude can grow a full beard between first period and fifth period.  And not that fuzzy stuff that the weird kid in band class has under his chin; we’re talking a full-blown Dad Beard.  You’re still coloring your sideburns in with your sister’s mascara and this guy is walking around like a 15-year-old lumberjack.

Was he ever young?  He probably combs his hair forward like that to cover a receding hairline.  Is he able to buy beer?  He’s totally buying beer.  You would, if you were him.

And listen: if you’re going to hit the puberty jackpot, you’d better be a dude.  If you’re a boy, the worst thing that will happen is the principal will hand you a cheap razor and send you to the bathroom to hack off your stubble.  Better that than having repressed teachers obsess over your lady curves at the Homecoming Banquet.  Oh, okay, I was going to bang everyone here, but thankfully you brought out the ruler to measure my dress, so now I understand that true beauty comes from within.  Just have the limo drop me off at therapy on the way home, guy.

4) The Worldly Girl

She doesn’t really fit in the churchy cliques. The girls on the volleyball team say that she swears sometimes.  In Bible Class, she gets really easy questions wrong, and it’s like does she even Sunday School?  She dates a guy from public school, and there are rumors that she isn’t, like, you know…pure.  Sometimes she’ll come in on a Monday morning and there’s just something about her, like she’s wearing the fumes of the weekend, and you’re staring at her and you somehow know that she spent her weekend getting drunk and grabbing butts with a guy with a tattoo.  You shudder and pray for her.

But it doesn’t end there.  While your repressed friends wash out of Christian college and break to the left, getting really into socialism and filling up your facebook feed with rants against evangelicalism, this girl broke to the right: she married the guy with the tattoo and now their kids are enrolled in the Christian school.  She drinks, she cusses, she votes Republican, and she’s that mom at the basketball game who screams when the opposing players shoot free throws.

I see you, girl.

5) The Peter Pan Teacher

Something went horribly wrong during her teen years; some kind of developmental itch went unscratched.  After high school, she flew in a giant circle, like a bird with one wing, venturing out just far enough to get a degree and then curving back around to your Christian high school, where she remains to this day, desperately trying to relive whatever went wrong when she was 17.  Does she insist on the students calling her by her first name?  Yep.  Does she want the cool girls to like her?  Oh yes.  Does she fangirl out when the cute athlete asks for help with an assignment?  Just a little, yes.

She’ll come out of it eventually.  I mean…probably.  It definitely won’t end like that Christian school across town where the teachers were texting butt pics to the students.  They ended up closing that school down.  Butt Sin, man.  Butt Sin.

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