THE EXEGETICALS, part 3

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exegeticals

–The Exegeticals are now all that stands between Christianity and the mysterious figure known as “The Shepherd,” whose sinister plot threatens to bring every church service in America to a screeching halt.  

TENNESSEE HOSPITAL ROOM

The Exegeticals, once again fully recovered, are plotting their next move, when suddenly–

(door opens)

dobson

JAMES DOBSON: Hello, boys.

driscoll red

MARK DRISCOLL: (stomps over to Dobson, ready to attack) YOU DOUBLE-CROSSED US!

JAMES DOBSON: (grits teeth) Step back, bully boy, before I take you on an Adventure in Odyssey.

MARK DRISCOLL: (slinks away)

JAMES DOBSON: (pauses, writes 400-page book) We were all double-crossed: Rick Warren tricked me into sending you boys into harm’s way, all because he’s a part of something much more diabolical.

JOEL OSTEEN: James, what do you know?

JAMES DOBSON: We are dealing with a group of people more ruthless than you could ever imagine.

MATTHEW VINES: Baptists?

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: (turns to Vines, annoyed) Whoa whoa whoa.  Hold the wagons on that one.  You ever eat a pie, Junior?  You ever eat fried chicken?  Them’s Baptist inventions.

pie

JAMES DOBSON: From what we know, Rick Warren, Jan Crouch, and Dave Ramsey are working for someone called “The Shepherd.”  We don’t know who this person is, but we know their goal: they want to fundamentally change church as we know it. The Shepherd and his band of theo-terrorists have plans to DISRUPT EVERY CHURCH IN AMERICA.  They want to hold the entire body of Christ in the US hostage until their demands are met!

JOEL OSTEEN: Well, glory, James! How do they plan to accomplish that?

JAMES DOBSON: By kidnapping Chris Tomlin.

The group falls silent.

JAMES DOBSON: (takes off glasses, rubs eyes, voice falters) If there’s no Chris Tomlin…churches will have nothing to sing.

vines

MATTHEW VINES: Why can’t churches just sing something other than Chris Tomlin songs?

(crickets)

(more crickets)

(ALL THE CRICKETS, AT ONCE)

JAMES DOBSON: (ignores Vines) Tomlin has been whisked away to a hotel room in downtown Nashville.  His exact location is known only to a select few—even I haven’t been told.  I’m sending you there at once to protect him. Your guide will be here any minute now…

(door opens)

 matt walsh

MATT WALSH: (puts on scarf, sips latte) Okay.  So let’s go.  Or not.  Whatever.  I don’t care. OR MAYBE I DO CARE.  IS IT A SIN TO NOT CARE?

MARK DRISCOLL: (head explodes)

MATT WALSH: (writes 8,000-word blog post: “Is it a Sin to Not Care?”)

JAMES DOBSON: You boys keep Tomlin safe.  I’m going after Warren myself.

 *****

NASHVILLE HOTEL ROOM

Matt Walsh leads the four Exegeticals into a penthouse suite overlooking downtown Nashville.  There, inside the suite, America’s preeminent worship leader paces nervously.

chris tomlin

CHRIS TOMLIN: Oh thank goodness–the Exegeticals.  I feel safer already.

MATT WALSH: Don’t worry, Chris–these guys are the best at what they do.

CHRIS TOMLIN: (farts; someone records the sound, audio of fart immediately charts on Christian radio)

Something is amiss.  Matt Walsh and Chris Tomlin suddenly pull out handguns and point them at the Exegeticals. Another ambush!

MARK DRISCOLL: What is this?

CHRIS TOMLIN: We work for The Shepherd, that’s what.  And The Shepherd needs you out of the way so that he can accomplish his plan.

graham

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: (to Tomlin) Hey, Tecumseh, if you’re so popular, why didn’t you just kidnap yourself to bring all the churches to their knees?

CHRIS TOMLIN: (furious) Because some churches would just sing Matt Redman songs! Don’t ask me why, but some would!

MATT WALSH: (talking to self) But if I care about everything…do I really care about anything?

MATT WALSH: (blows own mind)

CHRIS TOMLIN: Enough! Tie these fools up, Walsh! With the Exegeticals out of the way, The Shepherd can finally disrupt every church in America and punish the body of Christ for its errant ways!

There is a sound in the hallway.  Someone is about to enter the suite!

CHRIS TOMLIN: (shrieks, fires shot through wall) It’s Redman!

MATT WALSH: (still talking to self) …what if I don’t care about not sinning? Would that then be a sin?

(door opens)

(lights dim)

(laser show)

(fog machines)

 Carman

CARMAN: Y’ALL SATAN DONE MESSED WITH THE WRONG ITALIAN CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH

As everyone watches in amazement, Carman cartwheels across the room, pausing midway to catch his breath.  He completes his twirling attack, kicking the guns out of the hands of both Tomlin and Walsh.  All the while, Carman is shouting what appear to be improvised song lyrics.

CARMAN: (rapping)
AH I can’t quit it/
OOH y’all I gotsta hit it/
This ain’t no drug/
Just livin’ in the Spirit

JOEL OSTEEN: (attempts to clap along to beat, fails) Blessings!

Tomlin and Walsh, now disarmed, attack Carman in unison.  Carman begins break dancing, knocking both of his foes to the ground in the process.

MARK DRISCOLL: (to Carman) Sweet moves, brah! You want to stick around with us and help us save Christianity?

CARMAN: (pulls out cell phone, leaves Lecrae *another* voicemail) Naw, pudding pop.  Satan’s on the move, and moss ain’t growin on this Sanctified Sicilian, you know what I’m sayin’?

With that, Carman leaps through a nearby window, shattering the glass.  He is gone.  Driscoll walks over to Chris Tomlin and picks up the worship leader by his collar.

MARK DRISCOLL: (shouting) YOU SAID YOU’RE PLANNING TO STOP EVERY CHURCH IN AMERICA AT THE SAME TIME–TELL ME HOW!

CHRIS TOMLIN: (groggy, barely conscious) It’s…all…about…the…

MARK DRISCOLL: ABOUT THE WHAT?!?!

CHRIS TOMLIN: (grins) The coffee, of course.

Driscoll releases Tomlin and staggers backwards, aghast.  Vines places his hands on his face and falls to his knees.  Osteen begins to tremble.

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: (pulls hidden cigar from his belt, places in mouth) Lord o’ mercy.  They’re going to taint the coffee supply.

*****

THE EXEGETICALS

part one

part two 

part four