The Christian’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

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Probably the one thing that the Church is not prepared for is the zombie apocalypse.

zombie crowd

When the zombies come, pretty much everybody will be eaten, except for people like me, who are prepared.  Anyway, if you are lucky you will wind up in a small group of survivors, and you will hike off into the woods to create a defensive perimeter, because zombies like to stay in the cities, because of all the Starbucks, or something.

Evangelizing Ethics

Probably the hardest question is whether or not it’s biblical for a Christian to kill an attacking zombie.  This is because even though the dudes in Operation Auca had guns, they still let the attacking natives kill them, because they didn’t want to send someone to hell and I guess the missionaries were probably Arminian to do that because a Calvinist would have probably gone Josey Wales on those natives the moment the spears started flying, because hey, limited atonement, but whatever.

Anyway, you have two choices: you can kill the zombies, or you can witness to the zombies.

So are zombies alive? If they are, this creates all sorts of problems.  The Bible says that men are supposed to die once, so right off the bat you’ve got a theological crisi–OH WAIT

NO YOU DON’T

ZOMBIES ARE NOT ALIVE

THEY EXIST ONLY TO KILL YOU

AND EAT YOUR BRAINS

AND THEN IF YOU HAVE ANY BRAINS LEFT

YOU TURN INTO A ZOMBIE TOO

AND IF NOT

YOU TURN

INTO

A METHODIST

Sexual Ethics

If you are reasonably certain that there are no other survivors around, your group now faces the added burden of repopulating the earth.  Go ahead and delete your Christian Mingle app, Chief.  Whoever is in your group is who you have to pick from.  Ideally, there will be 5 hot babes and 5 hot studs in the group, but simple probability tells us there is more likely to be an uneven number.

So what if there are 8 women and 2 men in the group? Are you still under New Covenant sexual ethics, or should each guy take 4 wives to try to speed up the repopulation?

Conversely, what if there are 2 ladies and 8 bros in your group? Should the women try to have babies with multiple men to diversify the gene pool and minimize the effects of inbreeding?

Eh, sure.  Why not.  Do what you have to do to repopulate the earth.

If you break the rules of New Testament marriage, there will probably be someone in your group who is not down with it and who calls you a relativist. Just tell him/her that Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a season for everything, and this includes zombie apocalypse recovery polygamy.  [Important note: I have no idea if this is true]

I did take a lot of ethics classes in college and learned about the Greater Good, which is like when Nazis come to your door and ask if you are harboring Jews and you say “nope” even though you have an attic full of Steins and who knows maybe some of the zombies are Nazis, could be.  Greater Good.  Thanks, Christian college.

Do You Go Back to Rescue the Fat Guy?

Pop culture history tells us that if your group has a Fat Guy, and if your group is running away from danger, the Fat Guy is liable to fall and get left behind.

Cue the hypothetical: after a daring raid into town for supplies, your group is fleeing the zombie horde.  You are almost to the treeline when you realize your token Fat Guy has fallen and sprained his ankle.  There is roughly a 50-50 chance you could save him before the zombies eat him.  If you fail, both of you will be eaten.  As a Christian, do you risk dying and further endangering the group’s safety to go back for him?

I think it depends on what kind of Fat Guy is in your group.  For this we turn, obviously, to the movie Road House.  Here we meet two kinds of Fat Guys: the bumbling, ne’er-do-well Tinker

tinker

…and the earnest, rugged Jack

road house

If the Fat Guy in your group is a Tinker, it’s just a matter of time before he destroys the group anyway.  He is liable to waste all the ammunition firing into the woods because he thought he saw a bear.  He is likely to build a fire inside his tent and burn the camp to the ground.  To leave him behind might in fact be saving the lives of everyone else in your group.

If the Fat Guy in your group is a Jack, go back for him.  Jack is a good guy.  He’s always been hefty, he’s just never had a good reason to shed the extra weight.  In high school he played on the offensive line.  Left guard.  Even dated a cheerleader junior year.  He always wanted to be a teacher, but had to drop out of college to take care of his sister’s kids.  Go back for Jack. Once you get him into the mountains he’ll drop thirty pounds and become much more agile.  Go back for Jack.

Franklin Graham Factor

There is a distinct possibility that your group will include at least one well-known celebrity pastor or theologian or member of MercyMe or Kirk Cameron.  Here is a brief rundown of what you can reasonably expect:

graham

Franklin Graham: you have hit the jackpot. If you are fortunate enough to have the actual Franklin Graham in your group, your survival is assured.  Franklin once lived six months in the New Mexico desert, subsisting on nothing but peyote and cactus nectar.  By the time he was found, he had converted an entire tribe of Pueblo Indians to Christianity and had been given the name Preach Like Wolf, which he uses on legal documents to this day.

Mark Driscoll: will start strong, will make big promises about building a mountain redoubt by chopping down cedar trees because his core strength is, like, unreal, man.  Will fade quickly, ceasing to contribute when hair gel and coffee supplies are exhausted.  Will possibly end up tied to a tree.

Chris Tomlin: just hand him his acoustic guitar and three days’ rations and point him in the opposite direction. Trust me.

Joel Osteen: years of evading hostile Facebook Christians has left him surprisingly nimble, and he will survive far longer than anyone expects.  Will have to be convinced of the need to fight the zombies, because–now wait a second–these aren’t zombies! These are blessings that haven’t been claimed yet!

Beth Moore: will make wild claims about having access to vast stores of LifeWay supplies. Will lead you into the city, losing half of your group in the process, before taking you to a large LifeWay warehouse, which is filled with nothing but copies of The Prayer of Jabez.

Jon Acuff: will get eaten about five minutes into the first battle when he tries to side hug a zombie, because that’s totally something Christians would do, AM I RIGHT GUYS

Dave Ramsey: set your weapons down and walk through the woods until you reach the zombies, and then join their side.

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