Probably the one thing holding Christianity back is that we don’t have a swimsuit issue.
A lot of Christians seem to really dislike the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and I guess this is because of all the Butt Sin and Nipple Sin, or something. I’m not sure: I was homeschooled for 37 years and the closest I ever came to the swimsuit issue was when I worked as a grocery bagger at Dierbergs in St. Louis and had to replace the modesty shields over the magazine covers that had cleavage.
Anyway, when Christians dislike something, they have to write think pieces about it, just like the Bible says, probably in one of those books toward the back. So every year when the SI Swimsuit Issue comes out, Christians write a bunch of hot takes about how the swimsuit issue is pornographic or even blasphemous. Because a good way to keep young girls from feeling bad about their bodies is to periodically remind everyone exactly how dangerous the female body is, or something.
But we also can’t just give up and flush our standards down the drain like so many Starbucks holiday cup coffees down unisex Target bathroom commodes. So what can we do?
I say there’s a better way: why can’t Christianity have its own swimsuit edition? Are we so weak that we’ll just give up and let the world have all the fun?
Did Billy Graham give up when he founded America?
Did Martin Luther King give up when he fought the Pope on the steps of the church in Wittenberg?
Do you think CS Lewis would have written the Nicene Creed if James Dobson had given up at the Council of Nicaea?
Heck no. Anything the world can do, we can do better.
(click pics to biggify)
The homeschool co-op still doesn’t know what hit them. We do. It was a stunning one piece/denim skirt combination that put the fun back in fundamentalism. And then some. There are no answers in the back of the Saxon Math book for this kind of sensuality.
Modest is Hottest
When it comes to swimwear, nothing is hotter than layers. This provocative dress/blazer ensemble transitions from the pew to the beaches of the mission field. Greet one another with a holy kiss? Good thing we’re under grace.
Dress? Check. Form-fitting outer coat? Check. Sexy woolen scarf? Check. The church-wide pool party? After this year it will be cancelled, because this daring look turned too many minor prophets into majors.
Wet & Mild
A simple Snuggie, properly secured, turns any swimsuit into an oasis of desire. Forget the purity pep talk that your youth pastor’s wife gave you on the girls’ retreat: leave something to the imagination, ladies. Why do that when you can leave it ALL to the imagination?