Probably the one thing holding Christianity back is that we don’t have enough of our own sex manuals.
My first year of college I went away to a Christian school in the middle of nowhere. There wasn’t much to do, so you just sort of walked around the dorm and wandered into other people’s rooms.
One day I walked into my friend Bryon’s room. Bryon’s roommate was getting married and there were some gifts stacked on the floor. A strange book caught my eye and I picked it up.
“Be careful with that,” Bryon said ominously. “It’ll make you horny.”
“Oh, I can handle it,” I assured him, even though I had never seen a bosom and wasn’t 100% sure what the word “horny” meant.
I flipped through the book and quickly deduced that it was some sort of wrestling manual. But no, it was actually a Kama Sutra-type book of sex positions. Page after terrifying page, the book showed how to contort with your partner in increasingly improbable positions, like some sort of carnal game of Twister, and maybe this was why we never played Twister in youth group. That’s how Satan got you. That, and secular music. First you’re listening to Collective Soul, then some girl with a Rachel hairdo is grabbing your spiritual gifts because she spun Right Hand Blue.
We had Satan figured out back then, in the 90s.
Anyway, Christians have historically shied away from sex manuals.
Unfortunately, this has given rise to the belief that Christians aren’t very adventurous in bed. Which isn’t entirely fair, because Christians have more sex than anyone, because we were told to wait until marriage, and then we feel like we have to catch up. And sometimes it’s even the kind of sex that doesn’t make babies.
So we must think of the Christian newlyweds: Shall we abandon them to the pagan intercourse manuals, afraid and ashamed, like so many Baptists buying K-Y from Walmart at midnight so they won’t be seen?
Surely not. Here is a Christian Kama Sutra, so that our newlyweds can see for themselves all the freaky ways that evangelicals get down:
The Christmas Shoebox
The Breakout Session
The Farewell Rob Bell
The Open Letter
The Love Offering
The Work Day
The Reverse Boycott
Fun Sexy Bible Time