[upscale conference center]
A who’s who of Christian luminaries have gathered to watch the election returns together. Following Trump’s win, James Dobson takes the stage to address the crowd:
JAMES DOBSON: I know there are mixed feelings in this room tonight, so let’s get right to our lineup of speakers who have prepared some thoughts for us.
JOEL OSTEEN: [takes stage, smiling] Blessings!
[scattered applause that quickly dies]
JOEL OSTEEN: It’s wonderful to be here!
[long, uncomfortable silence]
JOEL OSTEEN: Good things! Good things to us all!
JAMES DOBSON: Joel do you have anything to say about President-Elect Trump?
JAMES DOBSON: Give him a balloon and get him off the stage
[as Osteen wanders off, the next speaker rushes onto the stage in a frenzy]
ERIC METAXAS: [drunk from a single can of Diet Dr. Pepper] HOW YOU LIKE THE METAXAS NOW?
ERIC METAXAS: [rips shirt off, screams into mic] THROCKMORTON WHERE YOU AT
[members of MercyMe forcibly escort Metaxas off stage]
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: [takes stage dressed in sackcloth and ashes] Dust in the wind…all we are is dust in the wind…
[TobyMac begins to beatbox along, under his breath, poorly]
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: [hits self with whip made from white guilt] Guys I need to swear. I’m going to say a swear word now.
[crowd listens intently]
NADIA BOLZ-WEBER: boobers
[Joel Osteen laughs, HARD]
JAMES DOBSON: Okay…thank you for that
[Bolz-Weber exits the stage]
[Dobson looks at his notes]
JAMES DOBSON: Now we have…oh no. How did he get on the list–
[a figure struts across the stage and wrestles the mic away from Dobson]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: HOT DANG look at all these lefty Christians moping around in here like Baptists at an open bar. And how ’bout all you GOP Never Trumpers. Ain’t seen a protest go that badly since we tried to boycott Disney DAGNABBIT I’M ON FIRE TONIGHT BOYS
[John MacArthur harrumphs and storms out indignantly]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Russell Moore is here, everybody [motions to Moore]
RUSSELL MOORE: [waves]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Rusty, say hi to the people. Stand up–oh wait–you’re already standing HOT DIGGITY THAT’S A ZINGER
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Looks like the real winners tonight are the Methodist churches, everyone out here talking about how they can’t wait for the Walking Dead on Sunday
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I’M KIDDIN’ I LOVE THE METHODISTS, someone’s gotta sing the hymns
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: So I hear Jen Hatmaker got herself kicked out of the Christian bookstores. Vince Gill at it again, huh? HOO WEE I SAID IT
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: But thank goodness the campaigns are over. Ain’t seen Christians get this pissy about election since the last SBC Annual Meeting
[Graham cackles, does fist pump]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: but now we’ve got President Trump and lemme tell you the Calvinists aren’t happy. They ain’t happy anyway, but still
[crowd screams for someone to cut off Graham’s mic]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: and how about Hillary. She was something. If she was anymore paranoid about her image she’d be writing for Relevant HOT DAWG PUT THAT IN YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOEBOX AND STACK IT IN YOUR CHURCH LOBBY
[Graham drops mic and struts off stage]
[“God’s Not Dead” plays him off]