The 8 Types of Christians

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1. Methodists

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Cool facts about Methodists:

  • over 70% of worldwide Christians are Methodists, including Third Day and also the Pope
  • Methodists have historically taken a hard stance against “sin
  • they call steeples “angel perches”
  • they are only allowed to get haircuts on their birthday

2. Old Ones

Old Christians are believers who are over the age of 34.  They realize that they are about to die and they are hella bummed because they thought they had more time, so they’re just like “ah, nuts” and they try to ruin everything for everyone else, but the millennials are too busy drinking tiny coffees to notice so whatever.  Old Christians believe that they are the last generation who, like, really gets it, you know?  Every generation believes this; it’s one of our best evangelical traditions.

3. Smokin’ Hot Wives

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When a Baptist youth group goes to the TeenFest YouthSplosion Conference and there’s a Brother’s Keeper breakout session for just the boys and a youth pastor named Trey Pringle gets on stage and makes a big deal about how hot his wife is and that if the boys want God to bless them with a hot wife they will take his Radically Pure Challenge and one of the boys in the audience is like “ok, I’m not gonna touch any girl butts until I get married,” an angel plays Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High” through a shofar and that boy gets awarded a Smoking Hot Wife, too.

Then when he gets married and becomes a Baptist youth pastor he will brag about how hot his wife is until somebody yells at him for objectifying women and then he gets confused because he just wants to be like Trey Pringle, but Trey Pringle left the ministry in 2008 and sells cars for the Ford dealership out on the highway.  We are all Trey Pringle.  We are all a hot wife.  Time is a flat circle.

4. Tyler Huckabees

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According to LifeWay research, by the year 2012 at least 17% of Christians will be Tyler Huckabee.

5. Ones Who Suck

Probably one of the best parts about being a Christian is that you can totally suck and still get in.  There are loads of Christians who can’t pray and chew gum at the same time, but God still loves them.  Peter was a meathead.  CS Lewis sucked at dating.  Nicholas Martin was a big ol’ fibber.  None of those guys got kicked out for screwing up, although Nick had to help clean up Mr. Ravenhill’s trashed house.  Also, are we sure Nick didn’t need psychiatric help?

6. Dead Ones

Some Christians aren’t alive anymore.  This is because they died, which is really just poor hustle.  There have been Christians who beat death, such as:

  • Jesus
  • Enoch, maybe
  • Elijah
  • Bill Gaither

Probably the only benefit to dying is that theology nerds will get big ol’ mind boners whenever they talk about you.  If there’s one thing theology nerds love to talk about, it’s dead Christians.  Even though a lot of dead people were racists or sexists or anti-Semites because back in the old days it was against the law to be woke.

7. My Enemies

It remains a tragedy of the highest order that the grace of Christ’s atoning sacrifice will be bestowed upon those who have wronged me.  I will never forget the rivals who conspired against me on the Bible Quiz circuit.  You may have twisted the rules.  You may have intimidated the judges into bending to your craven will.  But you will not escape, my friends.  If necessary, I will bring my quest for vengeance through the winds of space and time and revisit you in the golden streets of New Jerusalem.  Until then, sleep well, my chicken-hearted foes, as your ill-gotten gains pull you down into a valley of shame and doubt where the sun itself is blotted out by the darkness of your impending doom.

8. Frog People

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They are among us, inside our churches, walking upright and posing as believers.  Learning our ways.  Testing us for weaknesses.  Scouting our sons and daughters for future mates.  Sitting in our pews, listening to our sermons, croaking “amen,” surreptitiously nibbling on the flies that they crammed into their pockets and smuggled in.

I will never surrender the Church to these amphibious interlopers.  To the last, I grapple with them; from hell’s heart, I tweet at them; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at them:

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