10. All Hail the Power of Jesus’ Name
It contains the line “this terrestrial ball” and if you’ve got a group of repressed homeschool boys in the youth group you can all quietly sing it as “this testicle ball” and it’s hella funny but anyway I will never admit to that, no matter how many times Asa’s mom calls all the other moms to ask who taught her son how to sing explicit hymns like a public schooler. Asa, you weakling. Why did you rat on us. All your mom did was threaten to ground you. You don’t have a life, Asa; all you do is go to church and the homeschool co-op Christian History class. There’s literally nothing to ground you from, Asa.
9. Soul of My Savior, Sanctify My Breast
When Hillsong plays this song in concert, they change “breast” to “titty”
8. Thou Dost Suffer’d Thine Lamentations O’er Thine Bride Whilst I Shant Tarry in Mine Own Pow’rlessness For Thine E’erlasting Glory
A lesser-known hymn from Humperdinck Wesley, brother of Charles and John, also known as “the lost Wesley”. He composed over 14,000 hymns during a torrid two-month stretch of writing while marooned on the Faroe Islands and subsisting on nothing but morphine tablets and rice.
7. Jesus Freak
Sometimes I wonder if there’s an alternate reality where DC Talk never broke up and in this alternate timeline, their music grew to be so powerful that by the mid-00s it completely ended racism and poverty but in the process inadvertently destroyed the two-party system in America and by 2008 America divided into two nations and Ron Paul ruled the Christian side and Bernie Sanders ruled the secular side. Also, the secular side was called “California.” But all the Chick-fil-A’s were on the Christian side so the secular people sent robots through an inter-dimensional portal to ruin Tim Tebow’s NFL career as payback so anyway I’m not allowed to do the open mic night at the Christian coffeehouse anymore.
6. A 2005 Chris Tomlin Burp
During a sound check on the 2005 PraiseGasm WorshipFest tour, Chris Tomlin accidentally burped into a hot mic. Sound engineers isolated the recording and shipped copies out to the nation’s churches, where it has continued to enjoy massive popularity as a worship anthem.
5. America the Beautiful
Robert Jeffress told me that patriotic songs are the holiest songs of all. No, he didn’t. I’ve never met Robert Jeffress. It was a joke to make fun of conservative Christians. And now I have to come up with a joke to make fun of liberal Christians before this post is over.
4. “Time Stands Still” by Rush
Oh, the memories. The old country church on a Sunday night, sitting in the pew, legs not long enough to even reach the floor. Some Sunday nights there wouldn’t even be a sermon; we’d have an old-fashioned hymn sing instead. The pastor would take requests and Sister Ida would play the organ as our voices joined in unison and rose to the heavens as a humble chorus of praise. And scarcely a hymn sing would go by without someone requesting Rush’s “Time Stands Still.” Blessed Sister Ida would play those opening notes and the church would light up like a lantern. And then Neil Peart would have a 23-minute drum solo at the end, every time. Some say that’s why our old country church closed down, those drum solos.
3. The one that goes “Buuuhh buuhhh buhhhh ohhh yeahhh babyyyy yeahhh babyyyyy”
Do you know the one? No, not that one. This one had the drums like “Chicka chicka chicka BUM BUM BUM.” Do you know the one I’m talking about?
2. The last time we sung a hymn at church I thought I heard a toad croak
1. Toad People are in our churches and they must be stopped
How long will we ignore the enemy in our midst?
My friends, he walks among us. He teaches our Sunday School classes. He indoctrinates our children. He has wedged his webbed foot in the door of ministry and unless we stop him, he will keep making subtle changes–crickets for communion is just the beginning. He may even infiltrate the ranks of liberal Christians and reduce them to a humorless, reactive monolith… actually…. bad example. There we go, now we’re even.
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