Sins, Ranked

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It might not seem like it, but probably lots of Christians still commit sins.  But which sins are the worst?  Why hasn’t someone made a ranking, so that whenever a Christian is like, “ayo, having a bad day, gonna do a sin and see if that helps” they can check the list and make sure they’re not doing one of the bad ones?

Guys, relax.  I got this:  I made a list of sins, counting down from worst to best.   This way you can know which ones to avoid.  I came up with 17, so if you want to do something that seems pretty dark, but you can’t find it on this list, I guess it’s okay to go ahead and do that thing.

17) Murder

Call me controversial, but I’m saying that murder is probably the worst thing you can do to somebody.

16) Vacuuming up loose Legos

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You monster.  Don’t even pretend that you didn’t see it.  You saw it; you just didn’t want to bend over and pick it up.  It was one of the good pieces, too.  One of the hinges.  And Legos are so expensive, too.  Go look in the mirror and have an honest conversation with yourself about what you’ve become.

15) Adultery

I know what you’re thinking–hey, why is adultery ranked so high?  Don’t you at least get to have sex when you commit adultery?  Rookie mistake.  You’re sacrificing long term sex with your spouse for a little play in the short term. That’s just horrible booty analytics.  And sure, adultery is wrong and devastating to your family and whatever, but this isn’t a Focus on the Family article, we’re just talking about the raw banging data.

14) Taking church league softball too seriously

Don’t be the guy who’s out there trying to prove something.   There are no winners in church league softball.  Your team can have more runs on the scoreboard, your church can take home the trophy, but listen, Bubba: there are only losers in church league softball.  None of us are young, we’re all gonna be sore in the morning, and it doesn’t matter how much silly Under Armour gear you adorn yourself with, none of us are cool.

13) Disagreeing with me

Part of being an Evangelical Thought Leader™ is being tolerant.  That’s why I am very tolerant of people disagreeing with each other.  But, like, how can you even disagree with me, maybe you just don’t understand theology or whatever.

12) Big 10 Football

Fun fact: no Big 10 team has ever beaten an SEC team in football.  This is because God loves people from the South more than people from other parts of the country.

11) Stealing

Stealing is when other people take things that don’t belong to them.  That being said, I will never apologize for Napster, I will never hand over the CD we made in 1999 with the three live bootleg Counting Crows songs, I will never surrender, you can cage my body but my spirit will ascend into the summer sky like a phoenix rising from the ashes of your archaic copyright laws,

10) Putting the Chex Mix pretzels back in the bowl

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Look, if you take a handful, you have to deal with whatever’s in that handful.  It doesn’t matter if you like the rye chips best; we all like the rye chips best.  Don’t throw a bunch of palm sweat-soaked pretzels back into the bowl under some hazy notion of “someone might want them.”  That’s not goodwill, kid, that’s thinly-veiled narcissism.

9) Butt Sin

8) Using the phrase “It was good to see you” when you clearly dislike the person, you lying dog

I’ve found that “take care” followed by an under-the-breath “to never cross paths with me again” is both truthful AND satisfying.

7) Pretending to sing during church

I think this depends on whether or not you can actually sing.  Like, are you lip syncing to spare those around you (not a sin) or are you just lazy (sin).  If you can’t sing, no big deal.  You just weren’t given the tools to succeed.  Listen, if God wanted you to be in the NBA, he would have made you 6’8″.  God did make me 6’8″ and I am not in the NBA, but that’s because my entire life is a failure, I guess.  Anyway, sometimes I like to pretend that I’m in the band Switchfoot.

6) Nipple Sin

5) Coveting

It’s weird that the example for coveting is always “wanting your neighbor’s wife.”  Like, what kind of half-baked plan is that.  Out of all the women on all the streets of your city, you peered over the fence, saw Mrs. Klutzman watering her gardenias and you were just like “eh, her, whatever.”

4) Breaking off from your homeschool co-op group during Library Day and sneaking over to the magazine rack to frantically thumb through National Geographic on the off chance you might see a naked villager

Is this really a sin though, I mean what if you’re 15 and just really into anthropology and you’re reading about the customs of agrarian-based indigenous peoples and HOLYYYYYYYYY MOSES THAT’S A BOSOM I JUST SAW A BOSOM I AM THE GOD OF FIRE AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER

[trips over magazine rack]

[jumps up, tries to run out of library, crashes into glass door]

3) Speeding when you are late to church

I mean first of all why are you hurrying to church, if you time it just right you can slide into the service and completely bypass all social interactions.  Read all about this in my new book People Are Bad: Reflections of an Introvert

2) Calling your minivan a [3 bad words that start with C,C, and W] because you busted your knuckles trying to replace the alternator

This is barely even a sin.  Saying bad words at inanimate objects imbues the swearer with extra power to finish the repair.  This is a scientific fact, and besides, Abby Perry does it all the time.

1) Lying to the Nazis about the Jews you have hidden in your attic

A good line for a Christian rap song would be When I drop the mic, it goes Corrie ten Boom.  Anyway, remember when you were 14 and read Ecclesiastes 3 and got super woke about Christian ethics?

No? Okay, just me then.

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