Probably the biggest crisis in Christianity right now is that no one has put all the pictures of Adam & Eve together and ranked them according to how hot they are. But wait, some will say. Shouldn’t Christians resist judging people based on their physical appearance? Yes, of course, if you think you might get caught. But Adam and Eve are almost certainly dead by now, so I think it’s okay. Besides, if you make adolescent jokes while you’re judging them, that’s two sins, and two sins always cancel each other out, Jim Bakker taught me that.
Let’s sort everything into groups:
(click pictures to biggify)
The I Kissed Dating Goodbye Group
Maybe you guys should have put on some sunscreen. Sad!
- (-300) Sexy Points for sunburn
- (-200) Sexy Points for phantom nipples
- (+200) Sexy Points for Eve being blonde, which is politically incorrect and therefore hot
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam having bedhead. Come on, bro
- (-300) Sexy Points for complete lack of noses
There are some things here to work with, but… yeah. Ain’t nobody stumbling over these guys. First up: Adam, we need to talk about your hair choices. I think the Man Code is clear on this–you can have the ironic mustache ~or~ the bouffant Jew-fro, but if you combine them, it pushes you out of Hipster range and into Creepster range. Also, Eve: the vertical 80s ponytail is kind of hot, but there’s just a lot going on in your presentation. Maybe cut down on the rouge and the number of flowers. Trust yourself, girl; it’s about the cake, not the icing.
- (-300) Sexy Points for Adam’s hair/mustache combination
- (-100) Sexy Points for excessive flowers
- (+100) Sexy Points for his/her attractive collarbones
- (+100) Sexy Points for flawless lipstick
- (-100) Sexy Points for over-applied rouge
This was the coolest photo on the floppy disk that came in the Answers in Genesis curriculum pack that your parents picked up at the homeschool convention in 2000. Does Adam have big biceps? Does Eve have nice legs? It doesn’t matter; all that matters is that young earth life, trick.
- (-500) Sexy Points for supremely weird-looking hair
- (+200) Sexy Points for successful usage of the Kurt Warner Perpetual Five o’Clock Shadow
- (-100) Sexy Points for inability to hold an apple correctly. It’s not a dang Poké ball, Eve
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam dangling his sling and two smooth stones into thick foliage. That’s how you pick up a rash, guy.
My wife told me not to use this picture. I said “why? They’re just hugging” and she was all like “that’s the kind of hugging you do in your 20s while you’re still limber” and then she laughed and said it didn’t matter because hugs in your 30s are better anyway because they last longer. Sometimes it feels like my wife is speaking in code, I don’t know, maybe she just has a different love language or something.
- (-1,000) Sexy Points for complete lack of noses, ears, nipples, or other defining features
- (+500) Sexy Points for being limber, I guess
Sent Back to the Cabins During Youth Camp Watersports to Change Into Something More Modest Group
Dang… 1950s housewife Eve is looking good. I wonder if she… wait…. is that Ted Cruz?
TED CRUZ IS ADAM
GLENN BECK IS MELCHIZEDEK
EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED
- (+200) Sexy Points for Eve’s manicure
- (+100) Sexy Points for offering your man a wide selection of delicious fruits
- (-100) Sexy Points for picking the pear… Ted, the pear?
- (+200) Sexy Points for this tweet
Okay, so we’re going no nipples but yes on the belly buttons? That seems theologically unsound. If you’re going to make the theological case that Adam & Eve didn’t have nipples until after the fall, you have to assume that they didn’t have belly buttons either, right? Anyway, I’m just going to come right out and say it: it’s not entirely clear if this Adam has any privates. Maybe they’re just really tiny. And that’s totally okay–my youth pastor said a Proverbs 31 woman won’t care how big the gift is, only that she’s the one that gets to unwrap it. And he knows what he’s talking about, he’s like hella good at frisbee golf and everything. Meanwhile, Eve looks…. actually pretty hot?
- (+200) Sexy Points for Adam being on that anti-carb diet and keeping those abs tight
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam apparently never exposing himself to sunlight
- (+100) Sexy Points for GIANT GRANNY SMITH APPLES: SYMBOLISM
- (+infinity) Sexy Points for Eve looking like Leigh Bingham from Sixpence None the Richer
Frantically Calling Your Accountability Partner Group
Awwwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhh. Naked Billy Crudup over there stealing the show while Naked Anne Hathaway bides her time and waits for Jesus and that dumb tiger to leave so she can get at Adam’s forbidden fruit. The giraffe can stay and watch, though. Eve’s freaky in that way.
- (+400) Sexy Points for Adam being ripped
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam skipping leg day
- (+300) Sexy Points for cleavage behind the fern
- (+100) Sexy Points for his/hers exceptional hair
- (undetermined) Sexy Points for freaky giraffe voyeur stuff
Hey, who should we base our weird CGI Adam & Eve on?
Um, how about early-00s Zach Braff and Tara Reid?
You got it, bubba
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam’s ambiguous nipple situation. Are they there? Sort of?
- (+200) Sexy Points for Eve’s Bambi Eyes
- (-100) Sexy Points for Eve’s Crazy Eyes
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam refusing to bring those eyebrows under control
- (+500) Sexy Points for Song of Solomon-level lady blessings
Yes, I had to add those black boxes, because Butt Sin. That’s not a painting of Adam & Eve–that’s a photograph of a naked couple that has been added into Eden, which is spectacular. Although I thought it was the angel’s sword that was on fire, not the angel itself. But whatever.
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