Probably the most dangerous enemy of the Church is nipples. Not male nipples, but the lady kind, which are sinful.
It all started in the Garden of Eden. Before sin entered the world, Adam got to strut around with his man nips out but Eve had to stand behind a tall bush. It’s true; I’ve seen the illustrations.
Then Eve was like “my hair is probably long enough to cover my lady blessings” and she walked out from behind the bush and then the serpent was like YO GIRL EAT THIS FRUIT and she was all like NOM NOM NOM and she gave some to Adam and he ate it too, but it wasn’t his fault, because nipples. Then they both got kicked out of the garden and God made one of the angels kill a deer and use the hide to make a sports bra for Eve.
Adam was sad for a long time, because he had just helped unleash an unholy plague of death and destruction upon all mankind, but also because he had to wear pants now. Finally Eve was like “if this guy doesn’t plant some crops we’re going to die” so she fixed her hair and lit a candle and took her husband to bed. It was the very first sympathy sex. Adam cheered up, grew some food, and Eve had Cain.
Then Eve was sitting there holding Cain and he was crying because he was hungry and Eve was like “oh, that’s what these are for,” so she began to nurse Cain, and immediately a bunch of mean old church ladies were like HON WHY DON’T YOU PUT ON A SHAWL AND GO TO THE PRAYER ROOM and Eve was like “I live in a tent and also where did you people come from” and then Eve got mad and went in her tent and wrote a 2k word Facebook post about breastfeeding legalism and then some random Baptist guy with the Florida State Seminoles logo as his profile pic wrote a long comment that began with WELL ACTUALLY and why was that guy even commenting on that post, but whatever.
Adam thought all this was funny, because his nipples weren’t evil and he could still walk around without a t-shirt on, no big deal. One day Eve had had enough, and was like:
“so why did God even give YOU nipples?”
and Adam was like:
“well it all goes back to the symbolism of creation, to the chasm between an unknowable Creator and his—”
and Eve was all like:
“you don’t know, do you”
and Adam was like:
“no, but I named them: this one is Tigris and this one is Euphrates”
and Eve rolled her eyes because Adam was always naming his body parts and it had NEVER been cute but he just kept doing it. Eve got really mad so she just grabbed Adam’s nipple and twisted it, but instead of milk coming out he just started yelling, because THAT JUNK HURT, and Eve was like “oh, so that’s what those are for,” and she laughed, but this made Adam even angrier and he said he wasn’t going to sleep in the tent anymore. Then Eve felt bad and tried to offer sympathy sex but she rushed it and Adam was like NOPE, so then Eve got huffy and they had one of those weird newlywed fights where they pouted for about 24 hours and took turns sighing at each other from across the room.
Finally Eve was like:
CAN I TAKE A BOAT TRIP
and Adam was like:
and Eve was like:
DOWN THE TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES
and they both laughed and six minutes later Abel was conceived.
Slowly but surely, nipples took over the earth. With each new generation there were more and more people, until finally the whole earth was covered in carnal nips. The only defense the Church has is its think pieces, such as
and who can forget
not to mention
and let’s not leave out
As an aside, I grew up in an Assembly of God church, and we were never attacked by nipples, so I guess that must be a new thing. There was this kid named Aaron who would covertly sketch pictures of naked people during the sermon, but turns out his knowledge of anatomy was WAY off. And looking back, I don’t think he was really dating a model, either.