Masturbation and the Christian

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Probably the most important issue facing the Church today is masturbation.

I was homeschooled for 39 years, so I have no idea what masturbation actually is, but I asked my youth pastor and he said it is something that public school kids do, so I guess it’s like homework, which is another thing I have no idea about, but still.  What I do know is that Christians write lots of think pieces arguing that masturbation is bad or that masturbation isn’t bad, and I am a very important Christian, so I need to write about it, too.

Is masturbation a sin?

Probably the mistake a lot of Christians make is looking in the Bible to see if something is a sin.  That list is, like, incomplete and stuff.  The Bible says some things are sins, but we have to make our own list and add other things so we can feel special.  Like that guy in 1996 who threatened to leave our church because we were about to start using drums, because drums were sinful, even though the Bible didn’t say that.  Our pastor was like sorry to hear that, Bubba, we’re gonna miss you, but I think our pastor might have been lying, because that guy and his family were kind of a pain.

Anyway, the Bible doesn’t say anything about masturbation.  Some people argue that the story in Genesis 38, where God smote Onan after he “spilt his seed” on the floor, is a warning against masturbating, but I dunno, maybe the larger issue was that this dude was going around jizzing on people’s floors.

But what about lust?

Lust is where you slip away from the rest of your homeschool co-op group during the weekly library trip so you can sneak into that one aisle and look at that book from 1947 about the Fiji Islands with the black and white photos of villagers with their lady blessings hanging out and you’re thinking I’d really like to court THAT babe but in real life she’s probably like 126 years old by now and technically this doesn’t even count as lust because it’s more like research, but whatever.

Anyway, the Bible says lust is bad.  Some people say that you shouldn’t masturbate because you always wind up lusting, too, but I’m not so sure.  The Christian college I went to had pictures of bobcats and eagles and various beasts facing the beds in the men’s dorm and supposedly it was because too many future pastors were anointing themselves with oil and laying on hands.  Long story short: it kept happening, and if you can perform the act while a picture of a grizzly bear stares right at you, that might not be lust but it also might be something even worse.  Anyway, sometimes I wonder if there was a similar epidemic in the women’s dorm, and if they used the same animal pictures, or if certain animals were gender-specific.  I bet otter pictures were only for the women’s dorm, but I can’t prove this.

So what can we do?

When you see a fellow believer struggling with masturbation, don’t be afraid to lend a hand.  The rules can be confusing:

  • Lust: BAD
  • Bears: INADEQUATE
  • Otters: FOR WOMEN
  • Drums: I mean it was an Assembly of God church, how could that dude be surprised that we eventually got drums?  Charismatic believers gonna bring that noise, bubba
  • Topless Island Woman: TOO OLD TO COURT, PROBABLY DEAD
  • Floors: NOT FOR JIZZING

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