One is the flagship of evangelicalism. Kellie Copeland was on a really bad Christian children’s TV show, but 14-year-old me would like it entered into the record that she was also a babe.
One is how you learned Bible stories in Sunday School. The other is how your mom learned that she could pray herself rich in 2000. Your mom didn’t get rich in 2000.
You know what? I’m going to go out on a limb and say Walsh and the Chrisagii probably wouldn’t get along.
True story: for a brief period, Jan Crouch and Tony Campolo were married. The year was 1898. He was called away to fight in the Spanish-American War. When he returned, she had already been stolen away by Larry Norman, but Larry Norman stole everybody’s wife.
Jen has the edge here: she has legions of adoring Christian soccer moms, while the best Jim Bakker can do is offer to buy your vote with time shares to Heritage USA.
[insert self-satisfied joke about which of these two has more theology]
Maybe instead of googling LaTascha Emanuel you could just listen to this…
You know who writes for Relevant because they all have the same haircut. Rich Mullins cut his hair by laying it over his dulcimer and banging the dulcimer hammers until some of the hair got whacked off.
Tim Tebow is like if the Beatitudes were made of muscle. Wayne Jolley was Ursula from The Little Mermaid.
Bill Gaither is the immortal lord of darkness, who neither ages nor feels, ruling the CCM industry from behind a veil of secrecy and deceit. Sarah Bessey has those glasses that woke people wear.
I have questions about how Psalty goes about making love to his wife. Don’t come a-knocking if the book case is a-rocking, I bet he says. Anyway, I reviewed The Erotic Baptism here.
One time Guy Penrod went on tour with Oral Roberts and Richard Land, and they called it…hang on, my pastor is texting me…okay, looks like I’m not allowed to finish that joke. Franklin Graham invented shoe boxes.
Come on, Bibleman. That’s just a lightsaber painted yellow. Coach Bill McCartney and his Promise Keepers are very disappointed in you for not being more original.
When LifeWay pulled Sho’s CD, I hope they thought long and har…hang on, Guy Penrod is texting me…looks like I’m not allowed to finish this joke either.
Sometimes Nadia Bolz-Weber says filthy words. Michael P. Vigilante has filthy moves, son.
Joshua Mills is the babyfaced goofball who glitters himself and pretends that God covered him in gold dust. Larry does not make such claims, but he is also talking cucumber.
Carman shot Satan with a gun in a music video. Jack Chick tracts claim that Catholicism makes people worship Illuminati demons, or something.
Warren Throckmorton is the irascible bulldog of the Patheos network, howling through the fence every time Eric Metaxas or David Barton drive by. Whit is a good guy, I guess, for a cartoon.
Ben Kinchlow is the only man to ever beat Pat Robertson at the board game Richest Christian. Never lets Pat forget that. Russell Moore sleeps in a suit, only loosening the top two buttons of his dress shirt. Three, on Saturdays.
Beth Moore once shot a man for confusing her with Paula White. That man? Matt Smethurst. He promptly thanked her for the wound and they talked things out over Chick-fil-A.
Ann Voskamp lives on a farm, or something. John Piper once gave up eating corn for three months because he saw Field of Dreams and thought it was a documentary.
Three reasons why Derrick is the soul of McGee and Me: 1) acting on false info, he tried to save the neighborhood from the Indian, not knowing the truth. 2) Saves Nick on Christmas by fighting the gang leader, even though Nick just lays there and doesn’t help. 3) Pulls Nick away from the popular crowd when he sees him making compromises. Tim Keller preaches or something.
Which Josh will you choose? They’re both successful authors. Josh Harris would probably survive longer during the zombie apocalypse, because he’s younger, but he also told people not to date, so lots of people are angry at him. So maybe it’s a push.
James Dobson built Focus on the Family. But Ken Ham built a boat, so he’s got that going for him.
Song of Solomon talks about breasts. Mike Warnke talked about, well, a lot of things.
McGee never did succeed in helping Nick to develop a backbone. WOW 1996 never succeeded in making me cool enough to get a date.
For a solid 5 minutes, even after reading it, I thought the non-believer exercise column was actually a Babylon Bee piece.
Nobody uses phone books anymore, so I guess the Power Team doesn’t have anything to tear in half?
May we never forget the lives that were lost during the great Yoga Pants Wars on Christian Twitter. So many thinkpieces, so many numbered tweet storms. *pours out Crystal Light*
What came first, the shack or the outrage?
Mark Lowry, doing the Christian Weird Al thing, and yet somehow it worked, and we all laughed, and it was 1994, and Jarrid Wilson had only begun to accessorize.
I may not have been allowed to watch Dawson’s Creek, but I had Dawson McAllister to keep me company… oh wow I was lame. Lecrae raps, or something. I have no idea, I’m still listening to WOW 1996.