March Gladness 2017: The Christian Culture Tournament (Round One)

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Update: Round 1 voting has ended.  Check out the results below, listen to a breakdown on the podcast, and head over to Round 2 to continue voting!

Region 1

Christianity Today 316 ( 82.29 % )
Commander Kellie 68 ( 17.71 % )

One is the flagship of evangelicalism.  Kellie Copeland was on a really bad Christian children’s TV show, but 14-year-old me would like it entered into the record that she was also a babe.

Flannelgraph 332 ( 84.69 % )
The Prayer of Jabez 60 ( 15.31 % )

One is how you learned Bible stories in Sunday School.  The other is how your mom learned that she could pray herself rich in 2000.  Your mom didn’t get rich in 2000.

Matt Walsh 178 ( 56.15 % )
Chrisagis Brothers 139 ( 43.85 % )

You know what?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say Walsh and the Chrisagii probably wouldn’t get along.

Jan Crouch 127 ( 38.37 % )
Tony Campolo 204 ( 61.63 % )

True story: for a brief period, Jan Crouch and Tony Campolo were married.  The year was 1898.  He was called away to fight in the Spanish-American War.  When he returned, she had already been stolen away by Larry Norman, but Larry Norman stole everybody’s wife.

Jen Hatmaker 226 ( 67.06 % )
Jim Bakker Food Buckets 111 ( 32.94 % )

Jen has the edge here: she has legions of adoring Christian soccer moms, while the best Jim Bakker can do is offer to buy your vote with time shares to Heritage USA.

Joel Osteen 49 ( 12.31 % )
WWJD Bracelet 349 ( 87.69 % )

[insert self-satisfied joke about which of these two has more theology]

Cleavage Think Pieces 242 ( 77.56 % )
LaTascha Emanuel 70 ( 22.44 % )

Maybe instead of googling LaTascha Emanuel you could just listen to this

Relevant 149 ( 41.62 % )
Rich Mullins Hologram 209 ( 58.38 % )

You know who writes for Relevant because they all have the same haircut.  Rich Mullins cut his hair by laying it over his dulcimer and banging the dulcimer hammers until some of the hair got whacked off.

Region 2

Tim Tebow 324 ( 93.64 % )
Wayne Jolley 22 ( 6.36 % )

Tim Tebow is like if the Beatitudes were made of muscle.  Wayne Jolley was Ursula from The Little Mermaid.  

Bill Gaither 176 ( 53.99 % )
Sarah Bessey 150 ( 46.01 % )

Bill Gaither is the immortal lord of darkness, who neither ages nor feels, ruling the CCM industry from behind a veil of secrecy and deceit.  Sarah Bessey has those glasses that woke people wear.

Psalty 253 ( 79.81 % )
The Erotic Baptism 64 ( 20.19 % )

I have questions about how Psalty goes about making love to his wife.  Don’t come a-knocking if the book case is a-rocking, I bet he says.  Anyway, I reviewed The Erotic Baptism here.

Franklin Graham 156 ( 48.6 % )
Guy Penrod 165 ( 51.4 % )

One time Guy Penrod went on tour with Oral Roberts and Richard Land, and they called it…hang on, my pastor is texting me…okay, looks like I’m not allowed to finish that joke.  Franklin Graham invented shoe boxes.

Bibleman 200 ( 60.98 % )
Promise Keepers 128 ( 39.02 % )

Come on, Bibleman.  That’s just a lightsaber painted yellow.  Coach Bill McCartney and his Promise Keepers are very disappointed in you for not being more original.

Sho Baraka's Penis 161 ( 50.79 % )
Testamints 156 ( 49.21 % )

When LifeWay pulled Sho’s CD, I hope they thought long and har…hang on, Guy Penrod is texting me…looks like I’m not allowed to finish this joke either.

Nadia Bolz-Weber 191 ( 65.64 % )
Michael P. Vigilante III 100 ( 34.36 % )

Sometimes Nadia Bolz-Weber says filthy words.  Michael P. Vigilante has filthy moves, son.

Larry the Cucumber 359 ( 99.45 % )
Joshua Mills 2 ( 0.55 % )

Joshua Mills is the babyfaced goofball who glitters himself and pretends that God covered him in gold dust.  Larry does not make such claims, but he is also talking cucumber.

Region 3

Carman 212 ( 68.61 % )
Chick Tracts 97 ( 31.39 % )

Carman shot Satan with a gun in a music video.  Jack Chick tracts claim that Catholicism makes people worship Illuminati demons, or something.

Warren Throckmorton 241 ( 51.72 % )
Whit 225 ( 48.28 % )

Warren Throckmorton is the irascible bulldog of the Patheos network, howling through the fence every time Eric Metaxas or David Barton drive by.  Whit is a good guy, I guess, for a cartoon.

Russell Moore 251 ( 85.96 % )
Ben Kinchlow 41 ( 14.04 % )

Ben Kinchlow is the only man to ever beat Pat Robertson at the board game Richest Christian.  Never lets Pat forget that.  Russell Moore sleeps in a suit, only loosening the top two buttons of his dress shirt.  Three, on Saturdays.

Beth Moore 170 ( 54.49 % )
Worship Think Pieces 142 ( 45.51 % )

Beth Moore once shot a man for confusing her with Paula White.  That man?  Matt Smethurst.  He promptly thanked her for the wound and they talked things out over Chick-fil-A.

Ann Voskamp 118 ( 37.7 % )
Farewell Rob Bell 195 ( 62.3 % )

Ann Voskamp lives on a farm, or something.  John Piper once gave up eating corn for three months because he saw Field of Dreams and thought it was a documentary.

Tim Keller 212 ( 66.04 % )
Derrick 109 ( 33.96 % )

Three reasons why Derrick is the soul of McGee and Me: 1) acting on false info, he tried to save the neighborhood from the Indian, not knowing the truth.  2) Saves Nick on Christmas by fighting the gang leader, even though Nick just lays there and doesn’t help.   3) Pulls Nick away from the popular crowd when he sees him making compromises.  Tim Keller preaches or something.

Josh McDowell 138 ( 48.94 % )
Josh Harris 144 ( 51.06 % )

Which Josh will you choose?  They’re both successful authors.  Josh Harris would probably survive longer during the zombie apocalypse, because he’s younger, but he also told people not to date, so lots of people are angry at him.  So maybe it’s a push.

James Dobson 158 ( 52.84 % )
Ken Ham 141 ( 47.16 % )

James Dobson built Focus on the Family.  But Ken Ham built a boat, so he’s got that going for him.

Region 4

Song of Solomon 276 ( 89.9 % )
Mike Warnke 31 ( 10.1 % )

Song of Solomon talks about breasts.  Mike Warnke talked about, well, a lot of things.

McGee 97 ( 32.99 % )
WOW CDs 197 ( 67.01 % )

McGee never did succeed in helping Nick to develop a backbone.  WOW 1996 never succeeded in making me cool enough to get a date.

Babylon Bee 235 ( 72.98 % )
Do You Exercise Like a Non-Believer? 87 ( 27.02 % )

For a solid 5 minutes, even after reading it, I thought the non-believer exercise column was actually a Babylon Bee piece.

DC Talk 246 ( 83.11 % )
Power Team 50 ( 16.89 % )

Nobody uses phone books anymore, so I guess the Power Team doesn’t have anything to tear in half?

Duggars 87 ( 27.44 % )
Yoga Pants 230 ( 72.56 % )

May we never forget the lives that were lost during the great Yoga Pants Wars on Christian Twitter.  So many thinkpieces, so many numbered tweet storms.  *pours out Crystal Light*

John Piper 181 ( 58.58 % )
128 ( 41.42 % )

What came first, the shack or the outrage?

Mark Lowry 182 ( 70.82 % )
Jarrid Wilson 75 ( 29.18 % )

Mark Lowry, doing the Christian Weird Al thing, and yet somehow it worked, and we all laughed, and it was 1994, and Jarrid Wilson had only begun to accessorize.

Lecrae 251 ( 89.32 % )
Dawson McAllister 30 ( 10.68 % )

I may not have been allowed to watch Dawson’s Creek, but I had Dawson McAllister to keep me company… oh wow I was lame.  Lecrae raps, or something.  I have no idea, I’m still listening to WOW 1996.

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