John Piper’s Best Tweets

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My friends, I come not to attack or defend John Piper; I come only to celebrate his weird tweets.  After his latest tweet about sexy stones (we’ll get there, oh yes) started riling up the Christian blogosphere, I looked around to see if anyone had put all his strangest tweets in one place.  I couldn’t find anything, so I immediately felt the calling to create such a catalog myself.  I’m not going to say how far down the rabbit hole I went, but–okay, I’ll say: I went to the bottom.  I went to the bottom of the rabbit hole and there was no more hole and no more rabbits and I don’t remember climbing out I still might be in the hole someone please send Matt Smethurst and the drummer for the Newsboys in after me, I am scared and I want to go home

Farewells and Goodbyes

The greatest.

On a few rare occasions, Piper has had to walk back tweets when the outcry got too loud.  After he caught blowback for dragging Rob Bell, Piper explained that he actually meant for Bell to fare well.  Not “farewell.”  Oh.  But it’s Rob Bell, so who cares.

For some reason, the hyphen in “good-bye” just kills me.  And the closing exhortation to weep.  If you Trumpify that, you would close your tweet with a simple “Weep!”

Dog Tweets

The man loves dogs.

I mean, the man really loves dogs.

I’m not sure all the pieces really fit together the way he thinks they fit together, but this is a glorious tweet. Don’t ever stop tweeting deep thoughts about dogs, JP.

Sex Stuff

….softly I crept through the underbrush, following these wayward youths as they drove the dirt path to Makeout Point.  Would a shortcut be prudent?  After many minutes of prayerful consideration, I concluded that it would.  I tiptoed through Farmer McMurphy’s fields, illuminated by the moonlight, quietly weeping the entire way.  I do not recall why I was weeping.

I positioned myself behind a large oak tree, in a spot roughly equidistant to each of the parked cars, that I might observe each of the teens at once.  Here was I witness to a veritable lustgasm of unrequited teenage desire, a barbarism of the flesh, a carnal free-for-all that included unprotected open-mouthed kissing.  I then left my post and crawled on my hands and knees toward the cars, to better observe the degenerate hedonism.  It was then that I stepped on a twig.  At this sound, the teens took alarm; engines were revved, headlights flashed on.  In a matter of seconds the cars drove off, the girls screaming, urging their sin-partners to drive faster because “that old man was watching us.” This was in 2012.  I think one of the girls was Britt Nicole.

It’s not the message that makes this tweet perfect; it’s the delivery.  Does porn by himself.  Does.  As in, don’t complain when your husband stars in Ruth and Boaz: the Uncovering of the Feet

And why did he feel compelled to include the word “fondling?” I am legitimately fascinated by this.  So if the movie only has bare breasts your husband won’t leave you to star in Veggie Tails: Song of Sol Lemon?

I will stop with the Christian porn titles now. 

….uh, so don’t drink?  Is that the message?  Not far enough, I say.  Best to not have sex, have daughters, make property deals with your uncle, let angels stay at your place, or eat salt.  Definitely don’t eat salt.

Except when someone praises me I don’t wind up curled in the fetal position and softly weeping, wait, that’s not what I meant to say,

I don’t even want to sully this tweet with analysis.  It is so pure, so nonsensical, that all I can do is admire its beauty.

Surreal Stuff

The morning after this tweet went up, I showed it to three pastors at my church and asked them to explain what it meant.  This is what they each said:

Pastor #1: “What the….?”  [runs fingers through hair, stares at screen]  “WHAT?”

Pastor #2: [extended silence] [stares at screen without blinking] [shakes head, walks away without saying anything]

Pastor #3: “Wait.  What?”  [long pause]  “Did he take too much Ambien?”

HECK YES, SCREW THE PARKS

This is like something I would have written in my journal in 1997 after watching 7th Heaven and getting all lovelorn and mopey over Jessica Biel.  I mean we were the same age and I felt like if she could just, like, see me in action during one of my Bible Quiz tournaments she would probably be real impressed, but whatever.

Let’s just try to unpack this thing bit by bit:

Deep calls to deep… okay, got it…. so is her neckline deep?  Is she showing off her lady blessings, and that’s bad?  Who is “his?” Is that Jesus?  What does he know?  What are we talking about?  Jesus is not a fertility god.  Uh, okay.  Is she trying to seduce Jesus?  Who is… what is… why… help me

I was so sure that this was a book excerpt or a song lyric that I googled it several times.  Nope, just JP bein’ all obtuse and coy about trees.  Centuries, trick

I mean you don’t know that.  What if God asks it rhetorically or something, like as a joke.  John do you need help

This is so beautiful.  Early 2009, only a few followers, still trying to learn the ropes of Twitter, and he posts a sermon handout-style fill-in-the-blank.  What goes in the blank?  WHAT GOES IN THE BLANK?

Sexy stones go in the blanks, that’s what.  Weep!

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