My friends, I come not to attack or defend John Piper; I come only to celebrate his weird tweets. After his latest tweet about sexy stones (we’ll get there, oh yes) started riling up the Christian blogosphere, I looked around to see if anyone had put all his strangest tweets in one place. I couldn’t find anything, so I immediately felt the calling to create such a catalog myself. I’m not going to say how far down the rabbit hole I went, but–okay, I’ll say: I went to the bottom. I went to the bottom of the rabbit hole and there was no more hole and no more rabbits and I don’t remember climbing out I still might be in the hole someone please send Matt Smethurst and the drummer for the Newsboys in after me, I am scared and I want to go home
Farewells and Goodbyes
Farewell Rob Bell. http://dsr.gd/fZqmd8
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) February 26, 2011
On a few rare occasions, Piper has had to walk back tweets when the outcry got too loud. After he caught blowback for dragging Rob Bell, Piper explained that he actually meant for Bell to fare well. Not “farewell.” Oh. But it’s Rob Bell, so who cares.
Good-bye, Burger King. http://t.co/jCFLPgJjN2 (If you wonder why, watch the last five seconds of the video, and weep.)
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) July 4, 2014
For some reason, the hyphen in “good-bye” just kills me. And the closing exhortation to weep. If you Trumpify that, you would close your tweet with a simple “Weep!”
Our dog will take touch over food any time. She is full of parables.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) November 29, 2014
The man loves dogs.
A dog's feet are a wonder of God's creation. Ninety degrees or nine below zero with snow, she never even looks down.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) December 8, 2012
I mean, the man really loves dogs.
Nero beheaded Paul. But things change. Today people name their dogs Nero and their sons Paul. Live for the long view.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) February 24, 2010
I’m not sure all the pieces really fit together the way he thinks they fit together, but this is a glorious tweet. Don’t ever stop tweeting deep thoughts about dogs, JP.
Down by the river the teenagers would go to make out. I watched them drive back. They never looked happy. Especially she.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) August 7, 2014
….softly I crept through the underbrush, following these wayward youths as they drove the dirt path to Makeout Point. Would a shortcut be prudent? After many minutes of prayerful consideration, I concluded that it would. I tiptoed through Farmer McMurphy’s fields, illuminated by the moonlight, quietly weeping the entire way. I do not recall why I was weeping.
I positioned myself behind a large oak tree, in a spot roughly equidistant to each of the parked cars, that I might observe each of the teens at once. Here was I witness to a veritable lustgasm of unrequited teenage desire, a barbarism of the flesh, a carnal free-for-all that included unprotected open-mouthed kissing. I then left my post and crawled on my hands and knees toward the cars, to better observe the degenerate hedonism. It was then that I stepped on a twig. At this sound, the teens took alarm; engines were revved, headlights flashed on. In a matter of seconds the cars drove off, the girls screaming, urging their sin-partners to drive faster because “that old man was watching us.” This was in 2012. I think one of the girls was Britt Nicole.
Wives, if you watch movies with your him containing bare breasts and fondling, don't complain when he does porn by himself.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) February 5, 2010
It’s not the message that makes this tweet perfect; it’s the delivery. Does porn by himself. Does. As in, don’t complain when your husband stars in Ruth and Boaz: the Uncovering of the Feet
And why did he feel compelled to include the word “fondling?” I am legitimately fascinated by this. So if the movie only has bare breasts your husband won’t leave you to star in Veggie Tails: Song of Sol Lemon?
I will stop with the Christian porn titles now.
Lot was so drunk he didn't know he had had sex with his daughters (Gen. 19:35). It can happen again.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) January 29, 2011
….uh, so don’t drink? Is that the message? Not far enough, I say. Best to not have sex, have daughters, make property deals with your uncle, let angels stay at your place, or eat salt. Definitely don’t eat salt.
Praise is to the ego what sex is to the body. It just doesn't get any better. As long as we are spiritually dead.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) September 18, 2009
Except when someone praises me I don’t wind up curled in the fetal position and softly weeping, wait, that’s not what I meant to say,
Is anyone really addicted to porn? Put a blow torch in their face; they will turn off the computer. IF they believe its real.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) November 7, 2009
I don’t even want to sully this tweet with analysis. It is so pure, so nonsensical, that all I can do is admire its beauty.
“God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham.” Luke 3:8 Wealthy stones. Sexy stones. Political stones. Precious stones.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) June 11, 2017
The morning after this tweet went up, I showed it to three pastors at my church and asked them to explain what it meant. This is what they each said:
Pastor #1: “What the….?” [runs fingers through hair, stares at screen] “WHAT?”
Pastor #2: [extended silence] [stares at screen without blinking] [shakes head, walks away without saying anything]
Pastor #3: “Wait. What?” [long pause] “Did he take too much Ambien?”
Priority? Saving national parks, or saving people so they enjoy the eternal national park AND save these. http://ow.ly/1pgP7
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) March 22, 2010
HECK YES, SCREW THE PARKS
Sobbing with tears, sobbing without tears, tears without sobbing, smiles with tears. Numb. Welcome to the ministry of love.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) January 19, 2010
This is like something I would have written in my journal in 1997 after watching 7th Heaven and getting all lovelorn and mopey over Jessica Biel. I mean we were the same age and I felt like if she could just, like, see me in action during one of my Bible Quiz tournaments she would probably be real impressed, but whatever.
"Deep calls to deep" is true of her necklines and his knowing. The problem is, Jesus is not a fertility god.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) January 9, 2013
Let’s just try to unpack this thing bit by bit:
Deep calls to deep… okay, got it…. so is her neckline deep? Is she showing off her lady blessings, and that’s bad? Who is “his?” Is that Jesus? What does he know? What are we talking about? Jesus is not a fertility god. Uh, okay. Is she trying to seduce Jesus? Who is… what is… why… help me
By the stream she grew strong slowly. She gave shade and fruit and solid joy. She outlived the pretty grass. By centuries.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) January 2, 2011
I was so sure that this was a book excerpt or a song lyric that I googled it several times. Nope, just JP bein’ all obtuse and coy about trees. Centuries, trick
Questions God will not ask at the last Judgment: Did you get a good tan?
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) June 25, 2009
I mean you don’t know that. What if God asks it rhetorically or something, like as a joke. John do you need help
Q. What is the chief end of God? A. The chief end of God is to glorify ___ and enjoy displaying and magnifying ___ ____ for ever.
— John Piper (@JohnPiper) April 30, 2009
This is so beautiful. Early 2009, only a few followers, still trying to learn the ropes of Twitter, and he posts a sermon handout-style fill-in-the-blank. What goes in the blank? WHAT GOES IN THE BLANK?
Sexy stones go in the blanks, that’s what. Weep!
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