Is John Piper Aquaman?

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Probably the most important part of being a Christian is arguing about stuff.  2018 has already seen Christians arguing about women in seminary, Trump, yoga, immigrants, how to translate the New Testament, and whether angels are allowed to watch people masturbate, and okay that last one is mostly just me, but I read all those Frank Peretti books when I was a kid and got super woke about spiritual warfare and I know that demons are always, like, ready to attack people and stuff, so angels probably have to watch us all the time, even when we’re self-edifying and anyway it’s not like it’s a stumbling block to angels; you can’t stumble when you fly, trick.  That’s why I’m an Evangelical Thought Leader™, people.

So anyway, probably a lot of those issues are just, like, false flags and stuff, meant to distract us from things the Evangelical-Industrial Complex doesn’t want us to know.  The truth is out there, fam.  I’m about to take you through the looking glass, about to show you the biggest story in Christianity since your brother held hands with Kacey Norris in the prayer circle at See You at the Pole 2005 and his hands got nervous-sweaty and when the prayer was over Kacey was like EWW and wiped her hand and your brother got so depressed he stayed in his room listening to Explosions in the Sky for like six months.


Aside from the obvious physical resemblance, this might seem a bit unbelievable.  Could a renowned theologian actually hold a dual identity as a crime-fighting superhero?  Haven’t we been down this path before, when Russell Moore ran afoul of the Baptist hordes for claiming to be Batman?

Oh, what’s that?  You thought that whole kerfuffle was over Trump?

[rueful laugh]

[takes a long sip of non-alcoholic beer]

Looks like there are…

[leans back in chair]

…many things you do not underst–

[falls out of chair onto the floor]

Anyway, let’s connect the dots:

If I’m reading the tea leaves correctly, it appears that John is able to communicate with marine life and discern their motives.  You know who else can communicate with marine life?  Kaitlyn Schiess.  But you know who else can communicate with marine life?  Yes, that’s right: Aquaman.

Guys, this is nothing but a thinly-veiled message to arch-villains and his theological rivals: trifle with me and I will bury you under the might of the ocean, which our loving Creator in His holy wisdom has entrusted to me.  Mine to control, mine to command, the waves are but an extension of my very mind.  I will send the apostate to a watery grave, anchor-weighted by his foolish pride, sinking into the darkened depths of pristine reformed justice.

Another coded message: Aquaman can breathe underwater, so of course John Piper is safe from drowning.

I mean…uh…. Hang on.

[eats a tide pod laced with peyote]

[blacks out; passes through time and space]

[meets with the spirit of CS Lewis, shows him a printout of this tweet]

[wakes up inside Chick-fil-A playplace]

Uh, yeah.  CS Lewis said that John Piper is definitely Aquaman.


But where is the smoking gun?  It’s not like we have proof of John Piper hanging out near the ocean, right?



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