[LUXURY CRUISE SHIP, ADRIFT SOMEWHERE IN CARIBBEAN]
A crowd mingles in the ship’s banquet hall. In the back of the room is an all-you-can-eat buffet, which consists (as all meals on the cruise do) of nothing but Chick-fil-A sandwiches. On the banquet stage, Christian author Jon Acuff is warming up the crowd:
PATHEOS BLOGGERS: [triggered; furiously begin blogging 8,000-word treatises on patriarchy]
JON ACUFF: [reading from cue cards] Christians who vape. WEIRD. Am I right
[crowd stares at him impatiently]
[Patheos bloggers pass out from exhaustion]
JON ACUFF: Everything is neat
[DJ in corner spins dubstep remix of “The Hardway”]
[thousands of miles away, Kirk Cameron begins first draft of his next film, HYMNS OR DIE]
TOBY MAC: [tongue out, flashing indecipherable signs with fingers] WAZZZZZAAAAAAAAAA
KEVIN MAX: [deep voice, one eyebrow raised] Salutations from beyond the ether, my fellow sojourners, I bring you tidings of–
MICHAEL TAIT: [screams into mic] GOD’S NOT DEAD HE’S SURELY ALIIIII–
KEVIN MAX: [grabs Tait’s arm] no…no…we talked about this, that’s not…Ok. You know what? Whatever.
Something is amiss: none of the fans are cheering.
[Fans remove outer layer of clothing, are actually Target employees]
TARGET EMPLOYEES: WE CONTROL THE SHIP NOW, CHRISTIANS
TOBY MAC: [unfastens soul patch, swallows it for safe keeping]
TARGET EMPLOYEES: You thought you could boycott us and we wouldn’t fight back? Today is the day of your reckoning!
[door flies open]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [looks around] GOOD GOSH GOLLY ALMIGHTY I DON’T LIKE A SINGLE PERSON IN THIS ROOM
JON ACUFF: Christianity is under attack, Mr. Graham!
TARGET EMPLOYEES: You can’t stop us, Graham! Bathrooms are just the beginning. We will flood your churches with gluten-free communion wafers! We will clothe your worship leaders in yoga pants! We will spike the punch bowls of your Christian homeschool proms with non-alcoholic beer AND THEY WILL GET DRUNK ANYWAY
There is a massive grinding sound and the walls of the room shake violently. The ship has hit an iceberg!
[door flies open, again]
RICH MULLINS HOLOGRAM: [rambling, five-minute monologue about Francis of Assisi] …abandon ship, brothers and sisters
TARGET EMPLOYEES: THIS ISN’T OVER
DC Talk, their DJ, the Patheos bloggers, Acuff, and all the Target employees race above deck to climb into lifeboats. Finally only Franklin Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins are alone in the bowels of the listing ship.
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [completely unconcerned] So what’s happenin’, Dick
RICH MULLINS HOLOGRAM: I’m a hologram. It has its ups and downs
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: So how in the Sam Hill did this ship hit an iceberg in the Caribbean?
[door flies open]
BILL GAITHER: THAT WAS NO ICEBERG
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I THOUGHT I SMELLED BRANSON MISSOURI
BILL GAITHER: I wasn’t about to stand by as DC Talk returned to claim the Dove Awards! So I created an artificial iceberg from 10,000 of Jim Bakker’s finest buckets of apocalypse food to sabotage this cruise!
[water begins to flood into the ship]
HOLOGRAM RICH MULLINS: Frank, we should probably leave the ship
[shark swims through the ship, makes beeline for Franklin Graham]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [punches shark squarely on nose] GO ON NOW, GIT
[shark swims away]
Bill Gaither has vanished. Did he drown in the rising water, or did he slip away? Who knows. Franklin Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins climb through the ship and reach the deck. Just as the ship is about to capsize, a small speedboat pulls up alongside the cruise ship. Inside the speedboat are three women.
POINT OF GRACE: YOU BOYS NEED A RIDE
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: GALLDANG WHO CALLED JOB’S DAUGHTERS
Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins climb aboard the speedboat and Point of Grace steer the boat back toward land.
HOLOGRAM RICH MULLINS: [plays hammered dulcimer, with feeling] Sorry I had to bother you ladies. 4Him wouldn’t answer their phones
POINT OF GRACE: So was it Gaither again?
HOLOGRAM RICH MULLINS: yeah, and Target. And maybe Jim Bakker, too. It’s kind of convoluted, actually.
POINT OF GRACE: Maybe whoever is writing this should go to bed and not, you know, keep the candle burning
At that moment, a lone figure on a jet ski approached. He pulled up alongside the speedboat and slowly, dramatically took off his sunglasses
CARMAN: Yo did somebody call for a Sanctified Sicillian cause I got dancin’ in my bones and I’m sendin’ praises to the throne and somebody better tell that ol’ devil to get outta my way cuz Imma bout to get Holy Ghost Cray up in here can I get an Amen-elujah BAM I just made up a word
HOLOGRAM RICH MULLINS: Goodnight Matthew