Supposedly, unity is an important thing for the body of Christ, I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to things like that. All I know is that no one gets to be an Evangelical Thought Leader™ by agreeing with everybody all the time. You gotta stand out, baby. With this in mind, I humbly submit the following: I would like to disagree with all of the Christian think pieces.
I Demand to Know if a Pastor Has a Smoking Hot Wife
Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is whether pastors should refer to their wives as “smoking hot.” For the past several years the Christian blogosphere has worked to eradicate this practice, starting with the opus Dude, Quit Telling Me About Your Smoking Hot Wife. Then came Everything My Church Told Me About Sex and Marriage is Wrong, which was written by a guy who’s not even married, but whatever, when I was 16 I wrote an essay called “Marriage is not Hard” and I know that Christians are supposed to save sex until marriage, but I probably could have used a front hug at age 16. Like one of the good ones, where you stay squished together long enough to reach around and give the other person a quick back scratch. Probably the closest thing to a front hug that I got was that one time in youth group when we were playing freeze tag and I went to tag the cute girl and I accidentally touched her lady blessing because I was a bumbling lummox who couldn’t control where my limbs went. And it wasn’t like some Squints Palledorous thing where I could brag about it later–I just started sweating and went home and spent the next two days in my room listening to sad Jars of Clay songs and praying for forgiveness because I thought I had committed a sexual assault.
Anyway, I strongly disagree with all of the think pieces: I demand that you explain how sexy your wife is, using specific examples. Announce that her measurements are listed in the church bulletin. Put slides in your power point of when you and her role played as Joseph and Potiphar’s wife. Make inappropriate hand gestures, something like this
But don’t go too crazy: This all should take no more than 40% of the total sermon time.
We Must Rid The Church of the Millennial Menace
One thing Christians like to worry about is millennials. Christian writers love to wring their hands and fret about why millennials are leaving the church in droves. Everyone seems very concerned about how to convince the the millennial droves to stay in (or return to) church.
Again, I must disagree: I will not rest until the millennial threat has been fully removed from the body of Christ.
Our nation’s large churches must eliminate their late morning services. Our small churches must close down their coffee bars.
Remove their precious Hillsong anthems from the worship set lists and replace them with songs from the 90s that millennials don’t know the words to, like “As the Deer,” which was…. man, listen. That song was so real. You don’t even know. You get a little side-to-side Worship Sway going, you lift your hands and “get real with God” like your youth pastor said, then get real convicted and fill out your Souled Out Youthsplosion ’97 Purity Commitment Card that said you were going to stop watching PG-13 movies and give up secular music and…
Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, millennials.
Drive them across the suburban landscape like the Israelites chasing the Philistines after a battle. In time they will return, after their weird haircuts grow out and they are just as jaded and worn down by their advancing age as the rest of us.
U2’s The Joshua Tree Is a Bad Album That Has No Spiritual Themes
I hope to one day love God as much as Christians love The Joshua Tree. Sadly, I don’t think it is possible.
Every twelve seconds, a theology bro references a U2 song in a seminary assignment. Every six minutes, an acoustic band in a Christian coffeehouse covers “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Every three hours, a Christian publishes a think piece praising The Joshua Tree.
I don’t see anyone else making these points, so I’m going to:
The Joshua Tree is not a good album. The first three songs are the same. Lazy!
But is it a Christian album? Sadly, no. There is not a single track that features Lecrae rapping a verse. There are no EDM effects, no NEEDTOBREATHE knockoff songs, and no desperate Phillips, Craig & Dean-style worship song remakes.
No thank you. We already have a Christian band from Europe, and they are called Delirious. Or is it Deliriou5? Is the question mark part of the band name? You know what, forget it:
We Need More White Male Voices in the Church
Lots of Christians insist that the Church needs to promote more female voices
The Church needs MORE prominent female voices, not fewer! #femalebloggers fill one of the Church's biggest voids. Keep writing ladies!!
— Kate WallaceNunneley (@KateWallace1313) April 27, 2017
…and more minority voices
— Seth Haines (@sethhaines) May 25, 2017
And that seems fine, but I only care about myself, and I happen to be a white man, so I bravely demand that we need more white male voices in the church.
CASE IN POINT: most of the 12 disciples were men
CASE IN POINT #2: let’s not forget about the most famous white man of all–a friend of mine I like to call JESUS OF NAZARETH
And listen, don’t get this twisted like I’m somehow abusing my privilege. I am a very progressive Christian–in fact, some of my best friends know women and minorities. I just can’t take a risk that someone will take the spotlight off of me. That’s not what being an Evangelical Thought Leader™ is about, guys.
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