I Must Remind You That I Am Still Very Upset About “The Shack”

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Christianity is at a crossroads.  Confronted with the shifting ethics of our postmodern society, the Church must make a choice: do we bend to the cultural milieu, or do we hold to an ethos our world views as increasingly archaic?

There are certain things the Church must never forget, certain things we cannot forget: we must remember God’s sovereignty; we must remember that Christ died for all.  We must remember our role in the Great Commission.  And we must remember that I am still very upset about that movie “The Shack.”

One of the rules of being an Evangelical Thought Leader™ is that you have to get upset at things.  Another rule is that you have to list your bylines in your Twitter bio.  Also there is a rule that you can’t do a devotional on Song of Solomon for third graders but I don’t know if that’s an official rule, it was just something my pastor yelled at me when we had that meeting about how I’m not allowed to teach Sunday school anymore.  But anyway, about the first thing, about being upset: Christian thought leaders are always looking for the next thing to get upset at, whether it be mass shootings, Trump, poverty, hurricanes, or Abby Perry.

But because I am more woke than all the other thought leaders, I am still outraged over a movie that came out last April.  I guess I could be outraged at Game of Thrones instead, but then I’d have to quit watching it, and I don’t think it’s God’s will for me to be inconvenienced in any way; that sounds like legalism to me.

Anyway, another thing my pastor was hella upset about was that I kept talking to the church visitors about the animals on Noah’s Ark having sex; that’s why I’m not allowed to be a door greeter, either.  But I think it was the job of Noah’s sons to keep the animals from banging, otherwise you’d have a ton of baby animals on the ark and then the poop situation goes from bad to worse.  So if you’re Shem, you’re probably walking around carrying a big ol’ pole, kind of like what the Puritan tithingman used to use to jab people with, and also: be extra careful when you run an image search for “church tickle rod”, trust me.

So Shem is walking around the ark with his Sex Stick, and when he sees the zebras giving each other the Hungry Eye, he waves the stick around.  Just a warning; those zebras know to behave.  And if you happen to catch the honey badgers grinding on each other, just snarling and nipping and scratching each other’s fur–because you know those honey badgers like it rough–well…you have to give them a little bop.  Just enough to kill the mood and send them to neutral corners.  You can’t hurt them, you know?  That’s why Japheth lost his Sex Stick privileges: overkill.  He caught the coyotes humping and he hit the boy coyote so hard we thought he killed it.  That coyote was out cold for like three hours and we had to hide it from Noah while we thought up a plan.  Shem was trying to figure out if we could put one of the foxes in the coyote stall so it could knock up the girl coyote and make new coyotes but Ham was like “you dumbass it doesn’t work that way” and Shem and Ham were totes ’bout to throw hands but then the boy coyote woke up and we were like WHEW, THE COYOTE LINE REMAINS UNBROKEN but that coyote hasn’t been acting right ever since; it just sort of stares at the wall and growls.  I think it might be brain damaged now.

Anyway, the point is, probably every single time I sin it is because of The Shack.


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