I Have Bravely Decided to Never Sin Again

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Being an Evangelical Thought Leader™ is more than just writing think pieces and tweeting platitudes.  I mean, that’s about 95% of it, sure, but there’s other stuff, too.  Like sacrifice.  Sacrifice is when you notice that the other Thought Leaders are more famous than you, so you make a big deal about giving up something, like alcohol or Game of Thrones or murder.

With this in mind, I am ready to take the next step in building my evangelical brand:

I am thrilled to announce that from this point on, I will be giving up “sin.”

Probably a lot of people right now are like “whoa, does Matthew even sin?” and it’s like, uh…maybe?  I have no idea.  The Bible says that God doesn’t remember our sin, so as soon as I do something heinous I immediately pretend like it never happened; that way I’m being as Godly as possible, or something.

But since this is an important think piece, I tried real hard to remember my sins, and I came up with a list:

  • One time when I was like 6 years old my aunt was babysitting me and we were watching Wheel of Fortune and I pointed at the screen and told my aunt that I was going to marry Vanna White.  Then my aunt was like “why?” and I said “because she has big titties” and I have no idea why I was using that word at age 6 but my family swears the story is true and anyway now that I’ve typed it out I’m not sure it was actually a sin, maybe I was just a rad 6-year-old and I was just, like, speaking my truth, you know?

  • During the 2008 SEC Championship Game, Tim Tebow and Florida beat Alabama, even though it is God’s will for Alabama to win every single football game.

When Tebow threw a touchdown pass in the 4th quarter, I yelled a string of expletives that, if typed out here, would cause me to lose my salvation in no less than 7 different American denominations.

So that’s basically it, just two sins

  • Ok wait, I forgot one: when I was a kid at Weatherly Road Assembly of God, I had a running fight with a boy named Lonnie.  One time in children’s church I went up to write something on the white board and Lonnie grabbed an eraser and erased everything I was writing so of course I turned around and punched him and I got in trouble but it was hella worth it.  Then another time we got into a shoving match outside and he pushed me into a tree.  So we both had our moments, that’s what I’m saying.  Anyway, I ran into Lonnie at a Target last year and you know what?  That guy’s pretty cool.  We just talked and laughed; we didn’t fight or anything.  So anyway I guess there’s a sin in there somewhere.


So from this point on I’ll be totally holy…I mean…except if there’s like a real good reason to sin or something.  Who’s to say.  It’s like that guy who was always playing hacky sack at Christian college said: “what if the Nazis asked you if you were hiding Jews in your attic?” but he was just looking for a loophole to say it wasn’t a sin to smoke weed; he probably didn’t even have that many Jews in his attic.

Also: if you see me sinning, probably whatever I’m doing isn’t even a sin.  Like whenever people got mad at Jesus for being all miraculous and whatnot on Sabbaths and He was like “whatever” because turns out healing people on Sabbaths wasn’t a sin.  So if you see me stealing or lying or watching Game of Thrones, maybe those things aren’t sins anymore.

So anyway, since I will never sin again, except for the times that I will, I guess I’m probably like the greatest Thought Leader in Christianity or whatever.  Lots of Christians will want to get close to me to know all about how I got so holy, but they can just, like, read my think pieces or something–I can’t be associating with sinners.  Gross.


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