Being an Evangelical Thought Leader™ is more than just writing think pieces and tweeting platitudes. I mean, that’s about 95% of it, sure, but there’s other stuff, too. Like sacrifice. Sacrifice is when you notice that the other Thought Leaders are more famous than you, so you make a big deal about giving up something, like alcohol or Game of Thrones or murder.
With this in mind, I am ready to take the next step in building my evangelical brand:
I am thrilled to announce that from this point on, I will be giving up “sin.”
Probably a lot of people right now are like “whoa, does Matthew even sin?” and it’s like, uh…maybe? I have no idea. The Bible says that God doesn’t remember our sin, so as soon as I do something heinous I immediately pretend like it never happened; that way I’m being as Godly as possible, or something.
But since this is an important think piece, I tried real hard to remember my sins, and I came up with a list:
- One time when I was like 6 years old my aunt was babysitting me and we were watching Wheel of Fortune and I pointed at the screen and told my aunt that I was going to marry Vanna White. Then my aunt was like “why?” and I said “because she has big titties” and I have no idea why I was using that word at age 6 but my family swears the story is true and anyway now that I’ve typed it out I’m not sure it was actually a sin, maybe I was just a rad 6-year-old and I was just, like, speaking my truth, you know?
- During the 2008 SEC Championship Game, Tim Tebow and Florida beat Alabama, even though it is God’s will for Alabama to win every single football game.
So that’s basically it, just two sins
- Ok wait, I forgot one: when I was a kid at Weatherly Road Assembly of God, I had a running fight with a boy named Lonnie. One time in children’s church I went up to write something on the white board and Lonnie grabbed an eraser and erased everything I was writing so of course I turned around and punched him and I got in trouble but it was hella worth it. Then another time we got into a shoving match outside and he pushed me into a tree. So we both had our moments, that’s what I’m saying. Anyway, I ran into Lonnie at a Target last year and you know what? That guy’s pretty cool. We just talked and laughed; we didn’t fight or anything. So anyway I guess there’s a sin in there somewhere.
So from this point on I’ll be totally holy…I mean…except if there’s like a real good reason to sin or something. Who’s to say. It’s like that guy who was always playing hacky sack at Christian college said: “what if the Nazis asked you if you were hiding Jews in your attic?” but he was just looking for a loophole to say it wasn’t a sin to smoke weed; he probably didn’t even have that many Jews in his attic.
Also: if you see me sinning, probably whatever I’m doing isn’t even a sin. Like whenever people got mad at Jesus for being all miraculous and whatnot on Sabbaths and He was like “whatever” because turns out healing people on Sabbaths wasn’t a sin. So if you see me stealing or lying or watching Game of Thrones, maybe those things aren’t sins anymore.
So anyway, since I will never sin again, except for the times that I will, I guess I’m probably like the greatest Thought Leader in Christianity or whatever. Lots of Christians will want to get close to me to know all about how I got so holy, but they can just, like, read my think pieces or something–I can’t be associating with sinners. Gross.
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