A long time ago, Christianity was a big ol’ mess, so God had to send people to teach everyone how to be a good Christian. The year was 2016.
But way before that, the same thing happened. It was called the Reformation, and most of the people involved are dead now, so of course Christians get jazzed about it, because if there’s one thing Christians like, it’s talking about dead guys, which I guess technically includes Jesus because He was dead for a couple of days but anyway I think the early Switchfoot albums are the best.
Used to, there was only one kind of Christian, and it was called Catholic. The Pope was the president of Christianity, and everyone was a Notre Dame football fan–it was the rule.
But there were problems. For starters, nobody wanted to be a priest, because if you were a priest you couldn’t get married, and every time you were watching a Notre Dame game and a Hooters commercial came on, your eyes would get all googly and you’d say HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA because of the lady blessings but then a nun would jump out and smack your hand with a ruler just to make sure you weren’t going to lay hands on yourself and dang those rulers hurt.
Also, the Church was selling indulgences, which is sorta like when people who tithe a lot get to skip the church work day.
And even though Steve Gutenberg printed out a bunch of Bibles, only certain people were allowed to read them. This meant that most people in the church had no idea what God wanted them to do. So Christians did a lot of dumb stuff, like Crusades and burning people at the stake, plus some lesser crimes, like butt sin.
It was time to reform the Church, time for the best and brightest Christians to boldly take a stand. Then all the best and brightest Christians were like “nah.” So God let all the rejects fix the Church and it was kinda like a Suicide Squad, except instead of super villains it was just a group of pasty nerds:
Martin Luther (named for MLK because he was very woke) was pretty solid except that he didn’t like Jewish people, and when someone on Twitter was like WELL ACTUALLY UR SAVIOR IS JEWISH he was like I CAN’T EVEN and he printed out a bunch of tweets and nailed them to the door of his church and it was the first tweet storm and Alan Noble was there and he saw that it was good. And then a bunch of Lutherans left the Catholic church and went to the east coast and formed the ACC.
Then there was John Calvin. He was very hairy and kind of murdery. He talked a lot about sanctification and God’s sovereignty and his followers were like YUP and they stopped being Catholics and formed the Big Ten.
Then the Catholics who were left got very sad, because the other denominations had taken all the good football players with them and Notre Dame football sucked so bad. They humbled themselves before the Lord, just like Israel did, except instead of asking for a judge they were asking for 5-star recruits.
So the Lord answered their prayers by sending them a player:
Rudy didn’t really help Notre Dame win any championships, but God is an Alabama fan, so what can you do.
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