Probably the biggest issue facing Christianity is who Jesus would vote for. I guess this is because His vote counts extra, like a super vote, and is probably worth like 7 or 8 votes from sinners. So it makes sense that everyone would want Him to be on their team.
When I was a kid we were told that Jesus was a Republican. I don’t remember who told us that. I think it was some guy in a suit? Anyway, supposedly Jesus was a Republican because the Democrats were godless cultural elites who hated everything the Bible stood for, which was basically true, but still.
But to be honest, Jesus probably wasn’t a Republican, because they didn’t even have Republicans when Jesus founded America in 1776 with Pat Robertson. And Jerry Falwell was there, and he saw that it was good.
And then there are Christians today who think Jesus was a Democrat. These are the people who spend all day on Twitter furiously tweeting about Trump and weeping over photos of Obama until their ironic nerd glasses get fogged up and they have to go outdoors long enough to Instagram a selfie and hashtag it #selfcare.
But maybe Jesus wasn’t a Democrat, either, because Twitter wasn’t invented yet in Bible times, and how could He even know what to be outraged and woke about?
So what is Jesus? Libertarian? Green Party? Whig?
It’s an issue that’s sure to divide Christian scholars for generations, alongside other great mysteries of the faith such as why is TobyMac so popular? and do angels watch everyone have sex, or just the Christian couples?
Also, and this seems relevant: I know the answer.
Yes, it is true, I alone know the political affiliation of our Savior. I am the only Christian who has been swept up to the third heaven and into His celestial voting booth and seen His ballot. I am the only believer to watch in awed reverence as the Son of God subordinated his divine omnipotence to an earthly political party.
I’ve seen things, guys. I’ve watched Him decide SBC presidents and Dove Award winners and break the tie on who gets to be senior class president at tiny Christian schools where there’s only 12 people in the entire class and the vote is split 6 to 6–sorry Anna, looks like your dad’s money can’t buy you everything.
Real talk: I give him pointers, sometimes. Like on a ballot measure or something. Should He vote Yes on Prop 4 to approve the zoning ordinance as it relates to the proposed development of Industrial Park? The way they word these measures is so confusing, so of course I lend my expertise.
Sometimes I give Him advice on who to put in charge. I’m an Evangelical Thought Leader™, after all. So I tell him which candidate I like the best. Of course I don’t know what I’m talking about, and usually I just pick the candidate who’s the most physically attractive, but the important thing is that I get to feel powerful.
So anyway, lots of people ask me which party Jesus belongs to, but listen: it’s not that simple. Probably just whatever issue I’m woke about at the moment is the one He believes in. And sure, this is usually the part where Jesus comes to me and asks me if I’m actually, like, doing stuff, like trying to help people or talk to them about the Gospel. And I just have to laugh, because who could ever get woke about that stuff.