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A long time ago, Jesus was trying to explain to his followers how he would one day return.  Everyone was like “cool, when?” so Jesus was all like “no one knows the date or–”

…except everyone kept interrupting him.

“Today?” they asked.

And Jesus was all like I haven’t even left yet, are you serious

“Tomorrow?” they asked.  They were pretty sure it was tomorrow.

Then Jesus was like “…no one knows the date or the hour.  Not even me.”

“Cool,” said the people, and they immediately started trying to figure out the date and the hour.

And as Jesus was standing there trying to make them understand, a bunch of theologians started asking about dispensationalism and amillennialism and arguing with each other over whether there would be a rapture and when the tribulation would happen and then the Roman soldiers came and dragged Jesus off to get crucified for our sins but no one noticed because they all wanted to win the argument, that’s how you sell books and build your brand and whatnot.

Then for the next 2,000 years, goofball Christians tried to guess the date of Jesus’ return, even though Jesus’ whole thing about “no one knows the hour” is literally a real thing that is in the Bible, but I guess you can just ignore certain verses once you get to a certain Operating Thetan level or whatever.

A sampling:

  • in 1533, a German mathematician named Michael Stifel predicated that Jesus was gonna roll back in at precisely 8:00 am on October 19th of that year.  He even had his own hashtag and got it trending and everything.
  • Richard Brothers was a British sailor who said that Jesus was coming back between 1793 and 1795.  I only included him as an example because his name is Dick Brothers and that sounds like the name of a VHS tape your mom threw on the Sin Bonfire at the 1986 TeenRise YouthFest summer camp.
  • in the 1980s, NASA engineer Edgar Whisenant wrote this thing:

So anyways I guess the lesson here is that Scripture is correct: no one knows the exact day that Jesus will come back.

That being said, I have discovered the exact day that Jesus will come back.


One mistake people make when they predict Jesus’ return, other than picking the wrong date, is that they wind up telling a bunch of people.  I’ve noticed that this usually backfires, because once your prediction is out there, people will hold you accountable, and accountability is just another word for weakness, Mark Driscoll taught me that.

So I’ve decided that I’m not going to tell anyone when Jesus comes back.

Of course I can’t just sit on this information.  You can’t hide your light under a bush, or however that Sunday School song goes, because you’ll catch the bush on fire and that’s why Moses’ hair turned white in that ten commandments movie.  Also, I bet when all those Bedouin babes were dancing for Moses he was like HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA because he was Baptist and he had never seen lady blessings wobble like that before.

Anyway, since I know when Jesus is coming back, a good idea would be to budget my time wisely and preach the Gospel as much as I can.  But maybe another idea would be to sin as much as possible and then spend, like, the night before really praying super hard and repenting.  Both ideas have a lot of merit, who’s to say what the correct answer is.

And for all the haters out there who will doubt that I actually know when our Lord and Savior’s return is: I anticipated your doubt.  How very sad.  But try this simple test to know if I was telling the truth: when Jesus returns, whatever day that is, that is the day I predicted.


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