Probably the dumbest kind of Christian think piece is how to pray for your future spouse.
There are lots of articles like this, and they tend to sort of advance the idea that there is a singular The One who we are already divinely betrothed to. Eh, maybe. If it was all a matter of predestination, though, some of us would be predestined to be single, except we wouldn’t know it, and then we’re reading think pieces getting all lusty for future spouses who don’t even exist and maybe that’s why Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:9 that bros who get too thirsty should get married before their nethers burn up, or something.
Anyway, maybe it’s not so much that God has set aside one person for you to marry; maybe whoever you choose to marry becomes God’s choice for you. Except if you choose to marry a psycho, then nothing I said makes any sense, but in my defense, I often say things that don’t make any sense.
So anyway, now that I’ve said that praying for your future spouse is dumb, here are the ways you should pray for your future spouse:
Pray that they are hot
Should you really pray this? HECK YES you should. It should be the first thing on your list.
Pray that your wife’s cups runneth over, or for an abundance of husbandong, or for whatever it is that you’re into. Be specific.
If you are a 6, pray that your future spouse will be an 8. If you are a 3, pray for a 5. I mean, sure: God can turn people into a 10, but don’t get greedy. If you’re a 4 and you marry a 10, everyone will be like “wow, how did you land HER?” and it’s like screw you, man, my mom said that I am a very good listener and any girl would be lucky to have me.
Some people will say that praying for sex appeal is superficial. Listen. I know all about the inner beauty thing, but hear me: you can sit around and marvel at each other’s inner beauty when you’re old. You want at least a few years of looking good, of just walking around the apartment naked, staring at each other’s butts until you momentarily forget about your crippling student loan debt. Ain’t no sin in being hot, I guess. I wouldn’t actually know; I’m one of those good listener types.
Pray that they are not banging anybody
Real talk: just because it seems like everybody has sex before marriage is no reason to Rob Bell that ish and give up. It is entirely appropriate to pray that your future spouse is sexually frustrated. As someone who practiced virginity for approximately 71 years until the night of my wedding, I can tell you that the feelings of moral superiority are flipping tremendous.
Pray that they will bring a good car into the marriage
I don’t care how cool you think you are, 6 years after the wedding you’ll be looking for a minivan or big SUV to fill up with diaper bags and moldy French fries. And minivans aren’t cheap—you’ll need something to trade in. Your thirties are here; make like Steven Curtis Chapman and saddle up your horses, trick:
[Except it’s not a horse, it’s a 2005 Chrysler Town & Country]
Pray that they’ve failed
If you are like me, you are an insufferable narcissist who requires abject failure to learn even the smallest life lesson. Failing in basketball taught me to work harder. Getting my heart broken taught me how to better love. Almost losing my house taught me contentment. Pray that your future spouse wipes out a few times before you blunder into each other at the Singles Ministry Mixer and you awkwardly exchange phone numbers or chat snaps or whatever it is that young people do.
Pray that they know which characters to use in Mario 2
Do you even know how important this is. I mean…you need Toad for the sand levels and you need Princess for the levels where you have to jump across the whales. If you accidentally pick Mario for one of those levels, you’re screwed. You can’t switch until you run out of lives but then you’ve burned a Continue and now you’re going to struggle to even make it to Wart.
Also, why the heck are you picking Mario for ANY level? That dude is worthless in this game.
Pray that they know how to laugh
This is not the same as being funny. Being funny is something you write on the Spousal Checklist you got from your youth pastor as you sit in the Christian coffeehouse. Knowing how to laugh is more important than that:
Being funny is what you do when you are dating; knowing how to laugh is for when the miscarriage still hurts and you’re both scared to start trying again.
Being funny is writing jokes into your wedding vows that make all the guests laugh; knowing how to laugh is for when the van dies on a busy street and you’ve got the kids in the back.
Being funny is how you signal happiness to the other couples at church; knowing how to laugh is taking your spouse’s hand and using your other hand to raise a middle finger to the darkness. I don’t know where this trait comes from, but some people just seem to have it. You’d do well to pray that the person you choose/are predestined to marry has it.
Right after you pray that they are hot.