How to Look Righteous on Facebook: A Guide

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Probably the most important part of being a Christian is posting stuff on Facebook that makes you look righteous.

I guess in the old days people had to actually do righteous things or something, but that sounds like a hassle, and if God had wanted me to be hassled He would have said so in the Bible, but to be honest, reading the Bible is kind of a hassle too, so I guess it’s all a mystery: ashes to ashes, dust to dirt, alphabet omega, everything is meaningful saith the teacher, etc, etc.

God is Sovereign

So anyway, probably the most important part of Facebook righteousness is to occasionally post about God’s sovereignty, especially right after your candidate loses an election or something.

So what exactly does “God is sovereign” mean?  It means that God is in charge, or maybe that God is making everything happen, or something.  The important thing is that it sounds really spiritual.  Christians just sort of say it to make themselves feel better about stuff, like when Calvinists don’t want to do any outreach or charismatic Christians want God to make them rich or when Baptists realize that Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays.

Be Vague

A mistake some Christians make on Facebook is posting specific Bible verses.  Sometimes Bible verses can offend people, like in 1997 when my youth pastor told me to stop leaving note cards of Song of Solomon verses in all the girls’ Bibles, but whatever, some people are just too sensitive.

There are better ways to look righteous:  All you have to do is post platitudes that are really hazy, like you’re some sort of theological meathead who mistakes vagueness for genius.  It’s easy: take a coherent thought, put in a burlap sack and punch it a few times, pull it out and sand down all the edges, then post it to Facebook with a sort of empty-headed smugness:

The official term is existential buffoonery, and Christian Twitter has been full of it for years:

If You [           ], You’re Not A Christian

Another way to show people on Facebook that you are holy is to randomly announce that a bunch of Christians are going to hell.

Lots of people think salvation is about Jesus and faith, but if that’s the case, how can I even feel special and powerful?  And some people might say that it’s not up to me to decide who goes to heaven, but that’s a pretty judgmental attitude in my opinion.

So anyway, here’s how you judge people on Facebook: just put any conservative or liberal issue–really any issue whatsoever–in the blank:

And presto.  The arguments will never end.  Statements like this are such tangles of theological trip wires and semantic imperatives that they instantly turn your feed into a bouncy house full of angry people flopping around and yelling things:

So are you saying that God’s salvation is dependent on our action?  Well, yes.  But no.  But sort of.  I mean if you murder people with an ax you’re probably not a Christian, or maybe that means you weren’t a Christian to begin with, but anyway the important thing is that I’m righteous.

The Virtue Signal

When the world goes bad, probably the last thing that people want to read are my ideas to make it better.  Which is good, because I don’t have any.   That’s not, like, my spiritual gift or whatever.  My spiritual gift is barfing out strings of dramatic, self-congratulatory nonsense.

Here’s the thing about virtue: it ain’t gonna signal itself.  If I don’t let people know how righteous I am, how are they even going to know?  Sorry, but I’m not going to hide my light under a basket, which is a thing that’s in the Bible, or a CS Lewis book, or something.

You owe it to the common people to let them know that you’re much too enlightened to even, like, exist in a world this bad.  I bet it gives them hope or something.  It’s probably the least you can do, short of actually doing something.


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