How to Have a Perfect Marriage

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Probably the hardest part of marriage is when you get old or something, I actually have no idea, my marriage has been pretty perfect so far.  I don’t, like, believe in struggling and stuff–that’s not my spiritual gift or whatever.

But some Christians have bad marriages.  And because this is a think piece, I’ll tell you how to fix everything, because heaven forbid any of us mess up and have the non believers see it.  If there’s one thing people like to do, it’s make fun of Christians.

Kind of like that guy you worked with when you were 18 who would tease you for going to youth group and wearing a Promise Ring and he would gloat about all the sex you were missing out on, like he was some kind of big shot who was going to wild parties at Hugh Hefner’s house when really it took him intensive, round-the-clock work to get a hand job in the back seat of his Dodge Neon every 3 months and meanwhile you got married at 23 and have literally had sex 900 times since then so who’s the real winner, Kyle.

Anyway, here is how to have a perfect marriage:

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

An affair is when you accidentally bang someone who is not your spouse.  And I know what you’re thinking: hey, there’s got to be a Biblical loophole.  Bubba, listen.  There’s no loophole.

But here’s the thing: you can’t just magically stop banging other people.  You have to, like, want it and stuff.  It requires sacrifices.  It requires putting safeguards in place.  Like, for instance, when strange women ask me to have sex with them, I almost always say “no.”

In addition, some people use the Billy Graham Rule, which is something Billy Graham invented in 1954 when he stopped DMing ladies on Twitter.  Or the Franklin Graham Rule, where you make all the ladies give you shoe boxes full of crayons and hard candy.  Or the Oral Roberts Rule, and I forgot what that rule is because his first name is Oral and it makes me think of jokes, but still.

Don’t Fight

When people argue, that means that their marriage has failed.  Probably the easiest way to avoid this is to have your spouse agree with you all the time.

Some people will say that marriage is about compromise, and this is fine, as long as your spouse is the one who is doing it.  But the problem with compromise is that you’re expected to do it, too, and how can that even be right.  Your spouse gets to be married to you; it’s not unreasonable that they should agree with you about everything.

Have Plenty of Money

What causes a lot of fights in marriages?  Money!  Pro tip: avoid such trouble by keeping lots of money around.  This way, whenever your spouse gets upset, you can just go buy something.

A lot of “marriage experts” say that marriage is about communication, but that’s probably only for poor people, because otherwise rich people would have marriage problems, too.

Have Kids

One thing that fixes marriages is kids.  If you ever feel like the quality of your marriage is starting to slip, probably the best thing to do is get knocked up.

When you have kids, it makes all your other problems go away, like magic.  Also it is fun, and easy, and cheap.  Plus, people will make a big deal about your family, like you and your spouse did some unimaginably heroic act, even though people have been making babies since Adam & Eve, like a hundred years or whatever, but you still just stand there solemnly nodding your head and soaking up the praise.

Point Out Faults

The problem with spouses is that sometimes they don’t see their own shortcomings.  Probably a good way to help them is to remind them of all their faults.  Instead of leaving love notes, why not surprise your spouse by leaving them a list of all the things they do wrong?  That way, they can see all the ways they need to improve, and hey, who doesn’t love surprises.