How to Be Holy: Shortcuts

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Probably the mistake that most Christians make is trying too hard to be holy.  I guess people do this by reading the Bible and doing the things that Jesus said to do, I actually have no idea, I am far too woke to do whatever everyone else is doing.  The point is, there are shortcuts to being holy, and God likes it when we take shortcuts; that’s in the Bible, probably.

Have a Perfect Marriage

Everyone knows Christians aren’t supposed to get married a bunch of times.  But if you divorce and remarry the same person, that’s a loophole.  Every time you remarry your original spouse, you will level up into an even more powerful marriage, like that trick in Mario Brothers where you can get like infinity extra lives:

I have remarried my wife 37 times and I am available to speak at your marriage conference or whatever.

Command Your Guardian Angel to Sabotage Your Theological Rivals

One thing Christians don’t realize is that your guardian angel has to do whatever you tell it to do.  It’s because of the new covenant, or maybe the old covenant, I’m not sure.  There’s a covenant.

Anyway, probably the biggest thing that keeps me from being holy is other Christians who disagree with me.  That is why I am constantly telling my guardian angel to attack other Evangelical Thought Leaders™ by flapping around their house real fast and messing up their internet while they’re writing think pieces.  Another thing you can do is tell your angel to keep your rivals from having sex by waking up their toddler, but I’ve only done that one a couple of times.

Be Best Friends with Derek Rishmawy

I have no idea who Derek Rishmawy is, but he talks about dead guys on Twitter and all the thought leaders seem to like him and anyway when Jesus comes back I’m gonna be like “whoa, hey, me and Derek didn’t see you there, we were too busy talking about the theologies” and Jesus will be like “you’re sitting alone on the couch covered in Doritos crumbs” and I’ll be like “uh, those are communion crumbs” and anyway what’s the deal with Baptists

Pray For Your Past Self

Probably the mistake most Christians make is trying to, like, do stuff.  What lack of faith!  God is, like, beyond linear time and stuff, so one thing I always do is pray that God will make Past Matthew a better Christian.  That way, all of a sudden, maybe I spent the early 00s ministering to people instead of staying up all night writing bad short stories and listening to Good Charlotte.

also, growing soul patches and wearing hemp necklaces

Some people say that this won’t work, but I mean maybe it already has, and I was actually a hardcore atheist in the 2000s until at some point I prayed for God to change my past, and He did, and now there are multiple timelines but I only remember one of them and time is a flat circle and also I still listen to Good Charlotte sometimes, don’t @ me

Listen to Jon Gibson

Jon Gibson is the smoothest Christian singer of all time and every time you listen to one of his songs it makes up for three medium sins.  One time, Jon Gibson released a single to Christian radio and in the song he’s trying to talk someone out of committing suicide and he repeatedly calls the person “baby” and I don’t know if the person is a man or a woman or a child but it’s hella rad either way.

Look at this man’s album covers, unless you are a 35-year-old married lady and in that case look away so you don’t get a mindboner:

Full House font ftw

Protest Things

We live in a time of great division.  I mean, I’m guessing we do, I have no idea, I surround myself with people who believe exactly the way I do.  But there are people out there who are protesting various things and other people who are protesting the protests.  I have no clue what the issues actually are; as an Evangelical Thought Leader™, I must always be ahead of the curve, not behind it.

But protesting is a good way to feel holy, so I do it, too.

Last Sunday, I knelt in my pew during “How Great is Our God” to protest the Tomlinization of the modern worship industry.  No one accosted me after the service, so I went up to one of the associate pastors and asked if I was being kicked out of the church because of my brave stand.  He was all like “I’m sorry but I don’t think I know you” and I remembered it had been like six months since I had been to church and I kinda felt bad but by then I had already started live streaming myself shouting AM I BEING DETAINED over and over.


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