If there’s one thing that Christians like to do, other than Facebook, it is have sex. This is because youth pastors told us that sex will be better if we wait till marriage, and it probably is, and if it’s not I don’t want to know, because I waited for 457 years. Anyway, most Christians spend a lot of time not having sex, so when they finally settle down they feel like they’re behind, I guess, and need to get caught up. This is a good strategy, except that it makes babies, and if there’s one thing that babies are good at, it’s keeping people from having sex.
This isn’t to say that Christian parents give up on having sex. They just have to be creative. And above all, never give up. For as the great theologian Fred Durst once said, “I wore a promise ring for the nookie.”
Yeah we see you, 24-year-old newlywed philosopher king, moralizing about how sex is a pure expression of intimacy and should never be used as a bargaining chip. 10 years and 3 kids later you’ll be scrambling to fulfill hastily-arranged transactions. Pick up the kids’ prescriptions before the pharmacy closes? Sure, if you’ll give me 5 minutes later. You want 10 minutes? Throw in a load of laundry and we’ll talk 10 minutes.
“Hi Mom, can you watch the kids for a couple of hours? We’ve got some errands to run.”
“No, Mom, we can drop them off at your place. You don’t have to drive out here.”
“Thanks, we’ve really got a lot to do. We’ll see you in an hour.”
[races out of Mom’s house, stumbles down driveway, dives into SUV]
SHE BOUGHT IT
[drives back home]
[both of you collapse into bed and clumsily paw at each other for a few minutes before accidentally drifting off to sleep]
The “Veggie Tale”
Put the DVD in and push play. 30 minutes. Maybe more, depending on the episode. Corral your offspring and line them up on the couch. If they look fidgety seed the couch with fruit snacks or pop tarts. That’ll help to hold them in place. Lock the front door and race back to the bedroom. You hear that theme song? That’s foreplay.
Drop your kids off at the church nursery
Walk across the building
Slip out the side door and walk back to your car
15 minutes to drive home
30 minutes to get it on
15 minutes to put yourselves back together
15 minutes to drive back to church
Pick kids up from the nursery, ACT NATURAL
The “Fingers Under the Locked Door”
The boldest, most brazen form of evangelical lovemaking. This is also what happens when the “Veggie Tale” is not executed correctly: you get children pounding on the door and demanding milk in sippie cups. Mommy, where are you? They shout. Mommy is not there yet, dear.
The locked doorknob will rattle as they try to force their way in like a couple of Christian college RAs checking the dorm for violations. What are you doing, Daddy? they will scream. Daddy signed a purity pledge in youth group for this, and it’s like you hellions don’t even respect that.
The “Annointing With Oil & Laying On of Hands”
There is a line in the 1939 book Alcoholics Anonymous which states “half measures availed us nothing.” This may be true in recovery, Bill, but you know what? When the baby is asleep in the bassinet and the slightest noise will wake him up, a half measure ain’t half bad.
[update: read part two]