Homeschool Spring Break

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Probably the greatest crisis facing the homeschool movement is that there is no homeschool spring break.


Spring break is a thing where public school kids go to the beach and…well…I’m not sure.  I was homeschooled for 28 years and the closest I ever got to a spring break beach party was when we drove past the Mississippi River at 7am on a Saturday morning on our way to a Bible Quiz tournament, where I totes went HAM, but this is not a post about Bible Quiz, but seriously I was such a good quizzer that all the girls were real intimidated and that’s why they never talked to me, my mom said so and everything.

Anyway, from what I gather, spring break is a pretty sinful time.  I imagine that it involves secular music and alcohol and dancing, so pretty much like a Methodist youth group, except without the 15-minute devotion at the end.


Since we’re starting an official Homeschool Spring Break from scratch, we’re free to hold it wherever we want. So where is an obvious place for homeschoolers to congregate?

Pensacola Christian College? Mmmmm. Sweet, sweet legalism.  But do you know how close that is to the beach?  Do you even realize how much Butt Sin would be in play?  No.

Nashville? Well, it is the capitol of Christian music and also the capitol of random dudes with acoustic guitars who work as baristas during the day.  But Nashville also has a nightlife, and it is crowded, and there are faux cowboys who wear designer jeans and $500 cowboy hats and act like living in Brentwood is the same thing as living in the Badlands.  No.

Des Moines?



almost there





If we’re going to turn Branson into a homeschool hotspot, there needs to be something for the kids to do. No problem: We will rent out every convention center, book every lecture hall, and reserve every hotel conference room.  For history, bae.  We will have every history professor in America in Branson for Homeschool Spring Break.  You want Cold War Theory? We got you.  You want a blistering critique of British WW1 Field General Douglas Haig? Aw son, we got you. You want 19th century American action?  Sit in and watch the neoconservative homeschoolers defend Manifest Destiny against the libertarian homeschoolers.  It’s going down.  You want Answers in Genesis?  You want Understanding the Times?  Then you best be in Branson, trick.

understanding the times

On the Streets

fbi 2

Just imagine the streets of Branson packed with mildly repressed, well-mannered teens…AND NOT A PARENT IN SIGHT.  Diet Pepsi will flow like water, and with no one to tell the spring breakers “no,” the soft buzz of overcaffeination will light up the city.

On every corner, boys congregating with the top buttons of their dress shirts unbuttoned.

Girls, in broad daylight, losing all inhibitions and showing their ankles in exchange for beads.

skirt doff
they are real and they are spectacular

Dark alleys, where you can duck in with a handful of bills and emerge with answers to even-numbered Saxon Math problems.

However, Homeschool Spring Break is not without its dangers: Ladies, be on your guard.  DO NOT TOUCH A STRANGE BIBLE.  We had a girl at last year’s Homeschool Spring Break whose parents had to come get her.  It was tragic, really.  Someone slipped her a New Living Translation and before she knew it she was on a stage participating in a Side Hug Contest.