Homeschool Pickup Lines

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If there’s one thing I learned from being homeschooled, other than history, it’s that homeschoolers are really good at making babies.  Nonetheless, the process of finding someone to make babies with can be a stressful time for some homeschoolers.  It wasn’t for me, of course, but…you know…it can be for other homeschoolers.

Probably the best way for homeschool teens to fall in love, whether at church or at Homeschool Spring Break, is with a pickup line, just like the Bible teaches.  Some people will say that homeschoolers don’t use pickup lines, but of course this isn’t true.  Homeschoolers use pickup lines just like everyone else: by writing the line out on Christian stationary and hand-delivering it to the intended target’s father.

Important: In 2015, do girls use pickup lines too?  Look, I have no idea.  I haven’t been on the dating scene since Calvin Coolidge was president, and I don’t plan on dating again unless my wife dies during the zombie apocalypse and I am needed to repopulate the earth.  Anyway, what the heck, we’ll include some lines for the ladies to use.  Girls using pickup lines should annoy the complementarians.  And we will make the female pickup lines pink, because PINK IS ALWAYS FOR GIRLS, and that should annoy the progressive folks. HA, I GOT YOU ALL.


Pickup Lines for Homeschoolers

“Hi, I was thinking that we could—”

[freezes up]

[goes home and spends all night on Wikipedia instead]

teen wikipedia


“You make me want to enroll at a Christian college at 16 and graduate with a degree at 19.  I’m going to do that anyway, but I really am quite fond of you.”

teen math


“I know you’re courting someone else but I bet I can create a Nullification Crisis.”

no makeup girl


“Girl you got me sweating like a public school dumbass in a spelling bee.”


“All I want to do is kiss and make up, and I don’t wear makeup.”


“Is it just me, or are we the only two 17-year-olds in this entire community college?”


“I’d follow you anywhere.”

[to public school?]

“Oh no.  LOL. Not there.”


“Bet I can make you kiss Josh Harris goodbye.”

teen fist pump


“Hey, my co-op doesn’t have a “prom,” and we can’t call this a “date,” but would you like to be my Honor Companion at the Senior Celebration Jubilee?  No, it’s a real thing…why are you laughing?”

[locks self in room, hate-guzzles 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, REALLY wishes it was beer]

teen sad


[whispers] “Patrick Henry.”


“When I woke up this morning at 11am you were the first thing on my mind.”




(These probably only work if both people were homeschooled. I’ve used them all on my public-schooled wife and nothing happened.)

“Are you a Saxon Math book?  Because you’re giving me an incremental development.”

“When I get done with you, Common Core’s gonna make sense.”

“That booty’s gonna get us kicked out of HSLDA.”

“Why don’t you come over here and…”

[passes out from exhaustion of putting five kids to bed]

tired mom