[the court prepares to ban coffee in every church in America]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: This court rules AGAINST Christianity–
[court room full of atheists cheer]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: Order! [bangs gavel]
[gavel shatters into splinters]
[splinters fall into shape of a cross; FORESHADOWING]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: This court hereby finds the issue of coffee in churches unconstitutional, immoral, and henceforth illegal!
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: God help us all.
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: God? God is nothing but an abstract idea whose existence cannot be proven, and also this is totally different than abstract ideas like justice and human rights, which are definitely real because those are things I like. As far as this court is concerned, God is dead–
[a single WWJD bracelet is torn asunder from end to end]
[dubstep remix of Newsboys’ God’s Not Dead plays]
GOD’S NOT DEAD HE’S SURELY AL-I-I-I-I-[beat drops]-I-I-VE
[courtroom wall explodes]
[two figures step through the dust and rubble]
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: COURT’S ADJOURNED, GOOBERS
[spectators flee in terror]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: Guards, stop those Christians!
[security guards move in]
CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: Fellows, I’m about to introduce you to THE PROBLEM OF PAIN
[CS Lewis hologram leaps forward, knocking the guards to the ground with a series of karate kicks]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: [to Franklin Graham & CS Lewis hologram] You fools! I have at my disposal an entire squad of progressive Christian bloggers!
PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIANS: #problematic
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: STETZER’S BEARD you people confuse me. Shouldn’t we be on the same side?
PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIANS: Yes but if we agree with you how can we feel superio–
[scent of an evangelical scandal wafts through room]
[Progressive Christians race off to their Patheos blogs to furiously write thinkpieces]
ATHEIST CHIEF JUSTICE: Ha, it matters not!
[pulls off mask]
[is actually Bill Clinton]
BILL CLINTON: Howdy
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: I always knew you’d come back to finish off Christianity!
CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: [confused] come again?
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: [pointing at Clinton] it was you who broke DC Talk up!
BILL CLINTON: yup
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: and you secretly wrote The Prayer of Jabez to ignite the prosperity gospel craze!
BILL CLINTON: sure
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: and Y2K was your failed plan!
BILL CLINTON: …I was going to blame it on the Promise Keepers
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: GALL DARN it, Willie! I like this guy’s style!
CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: But why? Why attempt to destroy Christianity?
BILL CLINTON: Shucks, guess it’s because when I was growing up in Arkansas none of the Baptist churches would let me play church league softball.
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: Dadgum, Willie, Arkansas Baptists ain’t even count as Baptists…
CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: Well if that’s what this is about, why don’t we form our own team?
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: …more like Presbyterians, really
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: I MUST PLAY SHORTSTOP
BILL CLINTON: Shortsop is what I play, Teddy
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: …or Methodists, actually
CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: Theodore, if William agrees to let churches have coffee, will you let him play shortstop?
DEFENDER OF CHRISTIANITY TED CRUZ: [leaves negative Yelp review for every single Trump hotel restaurant] Okay, fine.
FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [to Cruz] could be worse, Cruzer–you could lose your position to Jimmy Carter!
[all four men laugh, walk off together to find the closest baseball field]
[Chris Tomlin song plays]
[Audio Adrenaline gets new lead singer]
[LifeWay stocks new selection of Amish romance novels]
[Church of Christ worship leaders debate harmony arrangement]
[2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper without a cap slowly goes flat in youth group room]