ELSA: Dad, even though you did a great job raising me to be a strong, independent woman who is also a wholesome Daddy’s girl, I will always call you in emergencies because you saved me from drowning like infinity times when I was learning how to swim so I intrinsically recognize that you have my best interests at heart and will always value your opinion so anyway there are two men in my apartment and they’re going to kidnap me and AAAAAAAAA
[sound of kidnappers breathing heavily into phone]
[Elsa’s father speaks to kidnappers]
ELSA’S DAD: I WILL LOOK FOR YOU, I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL FREEZE YOU.
[hangs up phone, engages Dad Mode]
ELSA’S MOM: I have complete faith that you will rescue our daughter because I see how you cut the yard every 9 days instead of every Saturday like our neighbors do and this saves us gas and also how you cut off all the lights in empty rooms. Oh and by the way, it totally turns me on when you go full Dad Mode.
ELSA’S DAD: I will drink a Diet Dr. Pepper on the way to make sure I’m not too tired to satisfy you later tonight, and also how crazy is it that I always satisfy you.
ELSA’S MOM: Mmmm…not as crazy as your Dad Bod.
ELSA’S DAD: [sucks in gut, flexes bicep] Yeah I did some curls two weeks ago.
[Elsa’s Dad has learned where the kidnappers are holding his daughter]
[drives to hideout in 2004 Dodge Grand Caravan]
[turns radio down to listen to engine rattle]
[diagnoses sound; turns radio back up]
ELSA’S DAD: So weird that they’re playing Nirvana on the classic rock station even though I Iistened to them in high school so how can that even be classic rock
[Elsa sits in chair, tied up]
[window explodes; Elsa’s father tumbles through in a shower of glass]
[door opens, the kidnappers rush in]
ICE CUBE: We’re the Ice Gang, and we want your daughter’s magical freezing powers!
VANILLA ICE: Yeah! We’re gonna save a fortune on our power bill!
ELSA’S DAD: [walks over, inspects refrigerator] Couple things: with your standard energy saver model you’re going to bring those power costs down. But also, look at these gaskets: you’ve got dry rot and that door can’t even hold a seal. [opens refrigerator door, examines knobs] Yeah, you’ve got this baby turned up to 8 trying to compensate for losing all that cold air; replace the door gaskets and you can bring it back down to the 6 range. Also, a box of Arm & Hammer in the back of that top shelf will really cut down on residual food odor.
ICE CUBE: (pointing at Elsa’s father) This man’s Dad Mode is off the charts!
ELSA’S FATHER: [sets Diet Dr. Pepper can on counter] But unfortunately you kidnapped my daughter. So now you must pay.
[straightens back until it cracks twice]
[rolls neck from side to side a few times]
[flexes right knee until it pops]
ELSA’S FATHER: Okay.
[grabs Ice Cube and uses Dad Strength to slam him into the wall, breaking him into a thousand tiny ice cubes]
[Vanilla Ice rushes forward]
ELSA’S DAD: [shoots Vanilla Ice with Freeze Ray, turns him into snowflake]
[Elsa’s Dad walks over and unties his daughter]
ELSA: Daddy! I’m going to show my appreciation by not breaking out into a song, and in fact I won’t sing any songs in this movie because you hate musicals!
ELSA’S DAD: [hugs Elsa] Just looking out for my daughter.
ELSA: On the drive back can you tell me some stories about when you played sports?
ELSA’S DAD: Again?
ELSA: They never get old!
ELSA’S DAD: [picks up can of Diet Dr. Pepper, takes long swig] And neither do I.
[fade to black]
[Nirvana’s “In Bloom” plays end credits]