Dumb People in the Bible

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Isaac

Okay, despite all the paintings that show Isaac as a little kid, this dude was probably like 24 when his father took him up on a mountain and very nearly butchered him.

Isaac, hey bubba, it’s okay to ask some questions here.  Let’s take a look at the warning signs you missed:

  • Dad hears some disturbing things from the Lord.  You did not hear this exchange.
  • You are going up a mountain for a sacrifice and not taking a sacrifice.
  • Dad’s got a knife.
  • All the way up the mountain, Dad is mumbly and obtuse.
  • Dad has ropes.
  • At the top of the mountain, Dad comes at you with the ropes.  There is still no sacrifice in sight.

Okay, Isaac.  Now here’s where it gets theologically complicated.  WE know what God was telling your dad to do, but did you?  If you brushed him off and walked down the mountain, do we really think God would judge anyone for that?

I know it all turned out well, but that doesn’t give you a pass on everything, bubba.  You let your 24-year-old self be tied up by your rambling, incoherent elderly father.  I love my father, but all of the times he’s come at me with a tire iron saying that God told him to kill me, I’ve fought my old man off.

Samson

Okay.  You’re the divinely appointed judge of Israel.  God’s chosen instrument to deliver your people from the Philistines.  You have Tebow-like strength.  Also you have cool long hair.  You are the most desirable man in the land.  You can basically have your pick of all the actresses and Instagram models in ancient Israel.

Except you don’t, because you are a colossal dumbass.  You are my friend from college who walks into a party full of single girls and spends the evening working his way through dozens of well-adjusted and stable women until he finds the one girl who will wind up stealing his phone and keying his car.

You shack up with a prostitute in Gaza and then you say to yourself “you know what? I need more drama” so you fall in love with Delilah and her borderline personality disorder.  Your Nazarite vow goes out the window, you get a haircut, bad things happen, etc.

Also, your riddles are really weird.

Esau

Dude, it’s a bowl of soup.

Eve

I sort of give Adam a pass here because Eve had already eaten the forbidden fruit.  She’s gonna get kicked out of Eden regardless.  So in that moment, Adam’s choice was to either eat the fruit and get kicked out alongside Eve, or pass on the fruit and be stuck in Eden forever and probably have to mate with a kangaroo or whatever and then you’re waking up every day to your kanga-babies hopping all over you and your kangaroo wife braying at you to pick the nits out of her fur and you’re thinking dang, I miss that naked lady and your kangaroo wife has so much resentment because deep down she knows that she’ll never be as hot as Eve and slowly you begin to drift apart and then one day you realize your kanga-kids hate you because she’s been turning them against you this whole time and you kind of lose your mind and hatch a plan to get your kangaroo wife kicked out of Eden by picking some of the forbidden fruit and hiding it in her pouch while she’s sleeping but you totally forget that God can see everything so while you’re trying to execute the plan He’s like HI ADAM WHAT’S GOING ON and you’re like dang it

Ananias and Sapphira

I mean there are dumber people in the Bible.  Peter’s IQ was probably lower than these two.  I just can’t get past their weird little real estate power play.  Like…uh…that’s kind of a low-reward gambit.  GREAT NEWS, HONEY: WE KEPT 7% OF THE MONEY AND NO ONE KNOWS.  ALSO, WE DON’T HAVE OUR FIELD ANYMORE, WE SOLD IT.

Also, one time I had a homeschool class and the teacher said to watch out because communists had invaded all the college campuses and they would try to use Bible stories like this one to prove that the Bible taught socialism.  The other thing I remember is that the teacher told us that we would recognize these Trotskyite fomenters because they had beards.  I guess they were all men; he didn’t say anything about what the ladies would look like.

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