SOUTHERN BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
A typical Wednesday morning class is taking place inside one of the lecture halls. However, unbeknownst to those inside, the Republican nominee for President has just enrolled in the seminary in an attempt to shore up his support among evangelicals.
RUSSELL MOORE: [lecturing]…and when we contrast Dolly’s work against the milieu of today’s country music–which, frankly, is disgraceful–we are left with these five underlying principles of why her music remains seminal–
[door flies open]
DONALD TRUMP: Okay. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Atonement. The Methodists are kicking our butts at atonement, okay? They’ve got more of it! I’m sitting here thinking [makes Trumpface] are you kidding me? And don’t get me started about the Charismatics, mmkay! Those guys are kicking our butts in the mission field! Why? [flails arms] They’re dancing in the worship services, they’re more fit, they’re more in shape, and when a native pops out of the jungle, it’s a footrace to see who can get to the native first. And they’re winning. And I blame Ronnie Floyd; I really do. Total disaster. Beautiful man, looks great in a suit, but a total disaster. We have to make Baptists great again.
[class sits in stunned silence]
DONALD TRUMP: Is this “Introduction to Christian Ethics?” You know what? Never mind. It is now.
There are no empty chairs: Trump takes a Chipotle gift card out of his pocket and skips it across the tile floor like a stone into a pond. Several youth pastor students leap from their seats and dive after the gift card. Trump calmly selects a vacated chair, rakes the previous occupant’s books noisily onto the floor, and sits down with an air of satisfaction.
RUSSELL MOORE: [bewildered] Donald, do you know who I am?
DONALD TRUMP: [has no idea]
RUSSELL MOORE: You called me a “nasty guy with no heart.”
DONALD TRUMP: No no. No I didn’t. Totally false. You know what? I can’t remember. But if I did…listen: Sure. I did call you that. But Rusty, ya gotta believe me, baby–no offense–at the time, it was true, okay? But everyone knows I’m a friend of the Evangelicalists, and I’m here to prove it, so [motions with hands] go on with your little thing, read a little verse and we’ll say a little prayer, I’m all for it.
RUSSSELL MOORE: Well, I suppose Jesus would welcome you, so I shall as well…now, turn in your textbooks to page–
DONALD TRUMP: [passes out fried chicken to everyone on his row]
RUSSELL MOORE: what are you doing
DONALD TRUMP: [screams at high school football referee from the bleachers]
RUSSELL MOORE: oh. I get it. You’re trying to charm us.
DONALD TRUMP: [carries bottle of Diet Coke into sanctuary, leaves under chair]
RUSSELL MOORE: Now listen here, mister, our affections cannot be so cheaply won–
DONALD TRUMP: [complains bitterly about drums]
RUSSELL MOORE: [quivering] I…must…resist…. [discreetly presses button underneath lectern]
[wall panel swings open, figure emerges from secret tunnel]
AL MOHLER: [doing best Andy Griffith impersonation] Well now…what seems to be the problem?
DONALD TRUMP: [proudly] I ENROLLED, DANGERFIELD
AL MOHLER: [to Moore] Well, Barn…what we gonna do ’bout this?
RUSSELL MOORE: [sighs] I mean, again with this whole Mayberry thing. Al, we are professionals: you are not the Sheriff of Baptists and I am not your Barney.
AL MOHLER: [puts hands in pockets, rocks back and forth] Wooooh Eeeeeeee just wait til I tell Aunt Bee what you said
RUSSELL MOORE: what does that even mean
DONALD TRUMP: [to no one in particular] You know who I like? That one guy…with the guys…
RUSSELL MOORE: Jesus
DONALD TRUMP: Him. Thank you, Rusty. Love that Jesus guy. Really do. Reminds me of me. He’s going around with his epistles and he’s tickin’ off the Pope and he’s tickin’ off Putin and he’s giving the middle finger to the establishment and believe me, the establishment had it coming.
RUSSELL MOORE: [sighs, squints, sighs again] Well that’s kind of a mixed bag, but there’s a couple of good thoughts in there
AL MOHLER: [examining papers] Mr. Trump, I’m afraid we’re going to have to expel you. Among your letters of reference is a signed letter from Karl Barth.
DONALD TRUMP: Beautiful man. Close personal friend of mine.
AL MOHLER: He’s been dead since 1968.
DONALD TRUMP: So?
[Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers’ “Won’t Back Down” plays]
[spotlight shines on door]
[door flies open]
KARL BARTH HOLOGRAM: WHERE MY TRINITARIANS AT
[seminary students rush forward to take selfies with Barth]
DONALD TRUMP: [points at Baptist DJ in the corner] play us something hot
RUSSELL MOORE: [baffled] where did the DJ come from
DJ ALTAR CALL: [plays EDM remix of “Two Sets of Jones‘”]
Trump, Moore, Mohler, Hologram Karl Barth, and the seminary students move to the center of the room and do the closest thing to dancing that Baptists are allowed to do: the praise and worship sway.