[Amazon rain forest]
[leaves rustle; a figure bursts out of the forest and into the clearing]
DONALD TRUMP: Bam. Here we go. We’re gonna save some souls, we’re gonna preach the Old Testament, we’re gonna preach the New Testament, we’re gonna preach the other, minor Testaments–you name it, we’ll preach it.
[behind Trump, another figure staggers out of the jungle, doubled over from carrying both of their backpacks]
JOHN PIPER: [gasping for breath] Okay, Donald, I can see the village in the distance.
DONALD TRUMP: [smirks, squints] Those huts? Oh geez. This should be easy. Piece of cake.
JOHN PIPER: [turns around, motions to open ground] We’ll start by building a linguistics center right here. Then, once their language can be deciphered, we’ll build the Fuller Amazon Seminary right over here–
DONALD TRUMP: Whoa, whoa. How about TRUMP Amazon Seminary?
JOHN PIPER: Fine, fine, whatever. Once we have the linguistics center and the seminary we’ll be able to train locally-sourced ambassadors to carefully broach dialogue with the natives–
DONALD TRUMP: Natives? I see some right there. Let’s evangelize ’em. [whistles through teeth] Hey! You’d come get some salvation if you knew what was good for ya!
[natives walk over]
DONALD TRUMP: [to village woman] Okay. Wow. Chiquita, you’re going to have to get a bra. I appreciate what you’re going for, there, but listen: it’s not working. I mean God’s not gonna support you if you don’t support yourself, okay?
JOHN PIPER: [sweating nervously] Donald, perhaps…
DONALD TRUMP: [to village man] And you, Paco…let me tell you something, my friend: you walk up to me looking for a job, I say forget it. I really do. I mean you’re not dressed for success, hell, you’re not even undressed for success.
JOHN PIPER: [fretting] Donald, that’s not how we…
DONALD TRUMP: [ignores Piper, takes out phone, cues up “I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb”] Okay, we’ll draw up the paperwork later, let’s go ahead and say the pledge…
JOHN PIPER: DONALD YOU ARE DOING THIS ALL WRONG AND ALSO I AM SORRY FOR RAISING MY VOICE
[natives wander off]
DONALD TRUMP: John, let me tell you something: you’re a dear, dear friend of mine and a beautiful man, but you don’t know a thing about evangelism, okay? You just don’t.
[taps on phone, places order for bras and dress shirts]
We’re gonna make the Great Commission great again, my friend.
[orders building materials for the Trump Amazon Seminary]
We’ve had too many, dare I say… [pretends to contemplate for a moment] …I do! I dare! LOSERS. We’ve had too many losers in the mission field. Martyred? I mean what is that even about? Last time I checked, you can’t preach Gospels when you’re dead, mmkay?
JOHN PIPER: I don’t even know how to respond to that. I’m going to go after those two villagers and see if I can repair the damage–
[a figure appears, blocking the path]
RICHARD DAWKINS: THERE IS NO GOD
DONALD TRUMP: Then who made me so awesome?
JOHN PIPER: Dawkins! At last we meet on the battlefield of souls!
RICHARD DAWKINS: I’m afraid your quest to evangelize these natives is all for naught, Christian fools! I have stationed a veritable phalanx of unbelievers around their village!
DONALD TRUMP: [calmly searches contact list on phone]
JOHN PIPER: [pacing, wringing hands] What a theological conundrum! An exegetical impasse! A missiological quagmire! How do we reconcile the Great Commission with non-aggressio–
DONALD TRUMP: [texting] Relax, Johnny.
[ground begins to shake]
[birds in nearby trees take flight]
[trees in distance topple over]
[animals rush into the clearing, fleeing in terror]
[TIM TEBOW explodes out of rain forest]
[drops of sweat sprout aloe plants on forest floor]
[infertile villagers regain fertility for 36 hours]
DONALD TRUMP: [pointing at Tebow] Look at this guy. Reminds me of me.
[Dawkins and his group of unbelievers rush forward to attack Tebow]
[Tebow flexes one bicep, sending a shockwave of holy energy forward, knocking the unbelievers down]
RICHARD DAWKINS: RETREAT TO THE BURGER KING ON 5th! THIS IS NOT OVER, THEISTS!
[the unbelievers flee in terror]
TIM TEBOW: [not out of breath at all] I got your text, Mr. Trump.
JOHN PIPER: But how…
DONALD TRUMP: [climbs onto Tebow’s back] Piper, go evangelize this village. Go dunk them in water or give them their crackers or whatever it is. Teach them those hand signals that the Catholics use, you know, the…[flails arms in front of chest] Always loved those. Very classy.
JOHN PIPER: But what…
DONALD TRUMP: Me and Timmy are going to the Westminster Dog Show. Why? I’ll tell you why: we’re going to evangelize the dogs. It’ll be great; Satan will never expect it. And I know, I know, some of you [finger quotes] EXPERTS say that animals don’t have souls, but you know what? I saw All Dogs Go To Heaven, so to me the theology is clear. Case closed.
[Tebow gallops away, carrying Trump piggyback]