Probably the most important part of Christianity is going to Halloween Festivals at church that don’t use the word “Halloween.” This is because Halloween is supposedly the devil’s day, but that’s crap because everyone knows the devil’s day is Monday, but whatever. Anyway, this is where Harvest Festivals and Fall Festivals and Trunk-or-Treats come from.
And listen, nothing is more embarrassing than hitting the Harvest Festival in a bedsheet shepherd costume. Freshen it up, girl. God didn’t give us grace so that we could be embarrassed by the pagans and their fancy costumes. Here are some ideas so that you can turn some heads when you roll up to the Trunk-or-Treat at First Methodist.
What could be more terrifying to your affluent, conservative WASP-nest of a Bible Belt church than if you and your spouse showed up to the Fall Festival as a couple of free trade coffee-swilling, Bernie Sanders-quoting progressive believers? IMPORTANT: you must wear either the Look How Smart I Am Glasses or the I Might Be Homeless Headwear, but not both. Furthermore, to complete the ensemble, work the following buzzwords into your conversations:
- safe space
- biblical socialism
- love wins
- mutual submission
- bagels [progressives love bagels; no one knows why]
The Playboy Bunny is always a popular women’s costume, but why should the devil have all the fun? Put a wholesome, flirty twist on the bunny concept by wearing a pair of oversized ears atop a billowing, floor-length dress. [Can be combined with a denim skirt for homeschool mothers] IMPORTANT NOTE: resist the urge to attach the cotton tail to your backside, as this will cause Butt Sin.
Terrify your friends by showing up at your church’s Fall Festival as this scowling, grumbling theological warrior. Furrow those brows, let the corners of your mouth sink down into your jowls, and wave your ESV MacArthur Study Bible at lesser believers. Tootsie Rolls? Nope, not biblical. Candy corn? Abomination. Ring pops? What is this, some sort of Tullian Tchividjian feel-good party? Rice cakes and Nutella are good enough for Al Mohler and by golly they’re good enough for me.
Are you holy enough for simply going to a church Harvest Festival? NO YOU ARE NOT. Broadcast your righteousness by dressing up as obscure Old Testament figures Shadrach, Meshach, or Abednego …and watch the honeys come runnin. Is that a real beard? Naw girl, that’s just brown paint. But you know what IS real? My crippling social anxiety and abject terror of the female body. But don’t worry–I’ll grow out of it in several dozen years.
The Southern Baptist
Keep those shades on you at all times, baby. If you don’t have flip up lenses then get you a frat boy strap and wear the shades around your neck. Throw a couple of twenties into the offering plate. Feels good, don’t it? Take the harmony on “Joy Unspeakable” and really belt it out. Make them hear you up in the choir row. Shoulda been you in the choir, but whatever. Not the first time you’ve been screwed by the system. Back in ’74 Coach Scroggins told you you didn’t have what it takes to cut it at safety–said you should gain twenty pounds and come back for spring ball as a linebacker. A LINEBACKER! Guess ol’ Scrotums didn’t see the legendary play you made in 8th grade at West End Middle. Clock running down, tie game, that QB thought he could beat you on a post, and you came all the way across the field and batted the ba…
[falls out of pew, rolls into aisle]
[sermon continues, uninterrupted]
The Auburn Fan
Just wear navy and orange and look real sad. Does God still love you? Probably. Does God still love your football team? Unclear.
The Youth Pastor
Add some accessories. AND THEN ADD SOME MORE. Grow some sweet facial hair and then break out the bleach. Roll up your sleeves. Are belts keeping you from relating to today’s generation? LEAVE YOUR BELT AT HOME AND UNTUCK YOUR SHIRT. Make your way through the Harvest Festival slapping backs and making FINGA GUNZ at all the teenagers. Hey, did you like God’s Not Dead? You’re gonna love the sequel, dude! I’ve got a ticket with your name on it!