Last year I wrote a post on Costume Ideas for the Church Halloween Festival. I thought it was stupid and I almost deleted it after I published it. So of course it became the most popular post on the site, except for maybe Butt Sin, but that one has butts in it, so it’s probably at an advantage.
Anyway, I have no idea how these things work, I just know that people like it when I make Baptist jokes and Presbyterian jokes and jokes about private parts.
So here is this year’s edition of costume ideas:
Hey girl. So all your female co-workers are going to adult Halloween parties dressed as slutty something or others, huh. And you are stuck at the Hallelujah Night at First Baptist, manning the Jonah and the Whale booth and handing out LifeWay Christian candy to kids dressed as Pokemon whose parents dropped them off and how is that even fair, why can’t those parents come in and work a booth and be miserable too.
Anyway, just because you can’t wear a slutty costume is no reason to take the one-way ticket to Frumpy Shepherd Land. Why not turn some heads in this Baptist-centric sexy costume that’s so hot the SBC will ban it by this time next year.
And best of all, you’re already married, so when your husband staggers over after three hours of running the David and Goliath booth and asks you for a breast or a thigh, you can say yes.
Yes, for a period of exactly 17 minutes, after your 5 kids finally fall asleep and before you are both so tired you’ve lost the ability to move. It’s a small window. Still, it’ll be a better 17 minutes than your co-workers will have.
Angry Twitter Christian
Put on your best scowl and wander around aimlessly, eyes glued to your phone, searching for your next social media feud. You want coffee? Take it hot and strong, just like your takes. Work yourself into a frenzy, trick, because this tweetin’ life ain’t easy.
What’s this? Another Christian who is voting differently than you? BRO ARE THEY EVEN SAVED. Now we have to tweet passive aggressively at them all day and all night until they invariably block us, then we’ll act as if we have endured a great injustice for the cross, then tweet insufferably about that for days at a time.
It’s exhausting, sure, but what are we supposed to do? The things Jesus actually said to do? Nazarene, please. The Great Commission don’t bring those sweet, sweet retweets.
Swagger into the Harvest Festival holding a bottle of wine and wearing nothing but a robe that doesn’t quite meet in the middle. When deacons arrive to escort you out, scream at those chumps that you built the ark and WHAT’S WRONG WITH A LITTLE WINE, CAN’T A MAN ENJOY THE FRUIT OF HIS OWN VINEYARD
And now they’re calling the pastor and maybe even the police. Don’t even worry about it. You just do you. Wander through the booths, your spiritual gifts on full display, and just own it, son. Take another swig from the bottle and wink at the cute girl from the college and career class who you’ve been wanting to ask out. Sure, she’s turning away and hiding her face, but she’ll come around.
Whew, this is good wine. Gonna need to just spread out here on the floor and take it easy for a while.
So which one of you ladies wants to walk in backwards to cover me? What do you mean I’m not allowed to come to next year’s festival? I’d be careful hating on Noah; that’s how Canaan got cursed, baby.
Probably a thing that your strict church would think is real funny is if you dressed in this Presbyterian costume for the Fall Festival.
Hey, there are lots of perks to being a Presbyterian: one is the sense of spiritual superiority, and another one is beer. Actually, that’s about it. But still, beer.
Which is sort of strange when you think about it. Some PCA dudes are uptight about random things and will fight you if you cite a New Living Translation, but they’ll totally come to your home brew small group and smoke cigars. And there are charismatic churches where you can swing from the chandeliers during praise and worship but they’ll send the pastor to your house if they get a tip you have an old Zima in the back of the fridge. I don’t know. Christianity is weird sometimes.
A real important thing is to wear biblical costumes, that way the kids at the Harvest Festival can understand the importance of Scripture, so anyway why not go as the naked lady who took baths on the roof.